I Want to Move in With My Boyfriend. Help!
Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
Photo courtesy of Peter Beste
MY FRIEND WANTS A BABY SO SHE WILL FEEL LOVED
Dear Willie D:
Even though she doesn't have a husband, or boyfriend my 28-year-old friend has told me she is going to have a baby before she turns 30. When I asked her why on earth would she do something like that, she said that she's tired of being alone and feeling unloved. She said that if she has a baby her baby will not judge her, or leave her, and will always love her no matter what.
When I questioned her as to just how she was going to have this "non" love child, she said that she has a couple of guy friends who will do it, or she will just get pregnant by someone she meets in the near future. We aren't speaking to each other right now because she's mad at me for chiding her. But I'm also mad at her. She kept giving me all of these lame examples of women having children and raising them alone.
She also said that her mother raised her as a single parent, and she turned out all right. Because we have been friends for over four years I thought I could be honest with her. I told her that she didn't turn out all the way all right because she has daddy issues, and that's the root of her inability to get along with men.
I explained to her that if she has a daughter her daughter will probably have the same issues, and if she has a son her son will miss out on valuable lessons that only a father can teach a son. Dismissively, she told me, "They'll survive." What the hell is wrong with people in the world today? Everybody is so damn selfish!
Are you sure your friend is 28 and not two? There are a number of bad reasons to have a child, but I think the most selfish reasons to have one is to feel loved, or so your child can take care of you in your old age. You don't have a child so you can get love; you have a child because you have additional love to give.
Tell your friend if she wants to feel loved, get a dog. They are more loyal, and they don't pee on you in your sleep.
CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO TELL HIM I WANT TO MOVE IN
Dear Willie D:
I have been dating my guy for almost a year, and we have a great relationship. He has his own place, and I live with my cousin about a 30-minute drive away. I attend university near his house so sometimes when I have time to kill I will go to his house to take a nap. When he's not home I use the key he gave me, but I always call first to get permission before going over.
I spend a lot of time with him, but I also spend a lot of time in traffic driving back and forth to visit him, and to go to school. It would be so much easier if we lived together, but I'm afraid to ask him because I would be hurt if he said no. Also his sister doesn't like me, but that's a whole other story. Do you think I should tell him I want to move in, and if so what should I say?
Afraid to Ask:
You're basically living together now. You already sleep there, and you have a key. Before talking to your boyfriend about moving into his casita consider his behavior as it relates to cohabitating. If you've never heard him at least hint at you moving in, then he probably wants to keep things the way they are; at least for now. In the meantime you could drop little insinuations on him. For example one day when he calls you to come over for sex you could say something like: I would love to, but I don't feel like driving way out there.
But be careful how you address the matter. You don't want to spook him. Here are some questions you should ask yourself before asking your boyfriend can you move into his place:
- Are you really good friends?
- Are you prepared to sacrifice your independence?
- Do the two of you communicate open and honestly?
- Do your disagreements evoke thoughtful debates rather than anger?
- Can you share the bathroom sink with him?
If you do move in with your boyfriend, for your relationship to continue to be great you're going to need the first four questions to be an emphatic yes. If he has a double sink or two bathrooms, the bathroom-sink thing is optional.
More Ask Willie D on the next page.
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOUR NATIONALITY?
Dear Willie D: I was wondering as a black man born in America, how do you feel about a country that enslaved your people, and continues to oppress them in the judicial system and demonize them for the world to see? I'm from Poland, but I am a student of American culture and politics. We have had our issues with serfdom, but overall I'm proud of my Polish heritage. Maybe it's not politically correct for you to speak about this considering your position as a writer for a mainstream publication, but if you are willing to I would appreciate a straightaway response.
Dear Willie D:
I was wondering as a black man born in America, how do you feel about a country that enslaved your people, and continues to oppress them in the judicial system and demonize them for the world to see? I'm from Poland, but I am a student of American culture and politics. We have had our issues with serfdom, but overall I'm proud of my Polish heritage.
Maybe it's not politically correct for you to speak about this considering your position as a writer for a mainstream publication, but if you are willing to I would appreciate a straightaway response.
The history of slavery in America, and those who relish in capitalizing off its remnants, has cast an infinite dark cloud over America resulting in a biased judicial system, broken public schools and pervasive discrimination.
Subsequently, the hate mongers use these societal ills to play the blame game and turn the races against each other. That's the ugly side of America. But then a national crisis occurs and you see black, white, Hispanic and Asian Americans come together in solidarity. That's "America the beautiful."
When I turn on the TV, and see Americans rush to the aid of people from other countries that are starving, living homeless, being oppressed or terrorized, it's a wonderful feeling. By the same token, I'm ashamed to be a citizen of the most powerful nation on the planet that tolerates millions of people starving, living homeless, being oppressed and terrorized by gangs in neighborhoods right here in the U.S.
To make a long story short: sometimes I'm proud of my nationality; sometimes I'm not.
MY BOYFRIEND WANTS ME TO TATTOO HIS NAME ON MY BODY
Dear Willie D:
Okay so my boyfriend, and I have been together for two years and so far so good. At the moment I live in Houston and he lives in Boston after recently relocating because of his job. But we see each other on holidays, birthdays and random weekends. When he came to visit me for Christmas he showed me a huge tattoo of my face on his back, and for the past month or so he's been trying to get me to tat his name on my body.
I love him, but I don't know about tattooing his name on my body; especially since I'm not sure if we'll even be together beyond this year. Since I can always have it removed, maybe I can get a small tat on my back or arm. What do you think?
Are you crazy? Please do not get that man's name tatted on your arm or back. Put it across your forehead so that everyone will know how much you truly loved each other -- after you break up.
PREVIOUSLY ON ASK WILLIE D
Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back next Thursday for more of his best answers.
ROCKS OFF'S GREATEST HITS
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene with music features, additional online music listings and show picks. We'll also send special ticket offers and music promotions available only to our Music Newsletter subscribers.