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Idol Beat: My Faith In A Just Universe Is Restored

60 million votes. That's how many it took to ensure karmic balance in the universe and send Jacob Lusk to the American Idol equivalent of hell... which is probably an alternate dimension where Simon Cowell never existed.

Last night was so chock-full of entertainment it's a wonder they managed to cram it all into one hour: Steven Tyler's new book? A performance and video preview from Jennifer Lopez? Lady Antebellum dazzling us with their lite-country stylings? Hot damn, this show needs to be three hours long!

The opening ensemble number ("Happy Together" by the Turtles) was awkwardly staged and only marginally in tune, meaning it was just about par for the course for the rest of the season. Meanwhile, Seacrest had "big Season 11 news": It seems auditions start this summer.

We have to wait that long? What kind of god would make us suffer through six Idol-less months before another season?

The important announcement was followed by another Ford commercial. It featured the contestants performing various carny tricks (James balances a chair on his chin, Scotty does BMX stunts), except for Haley, who demonstrated the Ford Focus' self-parallel parking function. How insulting.

Sorry, I forgot my mandated reaction...

And then, for some reason, the contestants go through an abbreviated version of Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen. I guess someone figured this season's asshole quotient was dangerously low with Cowell gone.

Not much love for Lady Antebellum. Show the Record of the Year Grammy winners some respect, you assholes. Sure, they're no Starland Vocal Band, but they're trying.

 

After a frontal lobe scouring montage of viewer submitted questions (Jacob is comfortable with his wardrobe choices, for example), we finally get to some results. And since Jimmy Iovine has been so accurate thus far (he predicted Casey was safe last week), we get to listen to him chime in on everyone (James needs to rein in his emotions, Lauren's going to be in the bottom, etc.).

More Ramsey, and then J Lo performs "On the Floor," which we already saw the video for earlier this season. Her choice of pants was...interesting. As my wife remarked, she looked like she was wearing a diaper. And not a fresh one.

And if that wasn't enough, a "teaser" for her next video for "I'm Into You"; it's probably spelled "In 2 U" but fuck if I'm looking it up. Jesus, how much of an ego does that woman have?

Apart from that , and I know I'm older than the ideal Idol viewing demographic, but Top 40 music today really is the worst shit ever.

Jimmy and I finally agree on something: Jacob has gots ta go. He goes to stand by Lauren. Haley goes to stand by James, and Jacob and Lauren are revealed to be the bottom two.

Finally, the shrieker goes home. He wants us to know "dreams come true," and there's no arguing that, especially if your dream was to be voted off American Idol as fourth runner-up.

I have to think the judges are happy, they've been cringing at his caterwauling for a month now.

Going by my current picks, which are now locked in stone because I (finally) got Jacob right, Haley will be next, followed by Lauren, Scotty, and James.


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