7:07 p.m.: Okay, so the sir who typically writes this column - Pete Vonder Haar, or, as he's also referred to: the Television Demigod - has a bit of personal business to tend to, so we're stepping in for him. I have seen exactly zero hours of American Idol in the last nine years. That seems less than ideal, but whatevs.
7:09: Commericals. Soda, Taco Bell. Preview for a movie called Super 8 that looks like it can only either be excellent or awful. They still make So You Think You Can Dance? Huh.
7:11: Show's back on. Question: Where are the rest of Ryan Seacrest's legs?
7:12: Lauren Alaina, apparently one of the show's last two contestants, is up. She doesn't seem terrible. It's easy country, mostly. She has a live fiddle player with her.
7:12:05: Wait, do I need to write "live," or is that automatically assumed when I write "fiddle player"? Has anyone ever had a robot fiddle player accompany them onstage? Herbie Hancock, probably. Man, Herbie Hancock rocks tits, son. Robot fiddle players are so boss.
7:13: Alaina looks a bit like a little girl whose parents thought it'd be a good idea to enroll her in a bunch of toddler beauty pageants. The crowd seems impressed with her. She's cool. Hopefully she wins. I'm very invested in this.
7:14: Commericals. Wendy's has the country's best French fries? Bullshit on that one, son.
7:15: Commercials. Oh snap. A movie starring talking animals and Kevin James, who is basically a talking animal? Awesome, awesome.
7:17: Scotty is Lauren's competition. Scotty's idol is George Strait. And George Strait picked the song Scotty is about to sing. And it's a George Strait song.
7:18: Jesus. They said he was 17. He sounds like he's 40. This kid is cool. Hopefully he wins. I'm very invested in this.
7:20: Second half of Round Two. Carrie Underwood is picking a song for Lauren.
7:22: Commercials. Cars 2? You're out of your balls if you don't think we're going to see that. Did you see the original Cars? It was amazing.
7:24: Lauren is singing "Maybe It Was Memphis." HOLY SHIT! THESE TWO ARE THROWING FIREBALLS AT EACH OTHER!!!
7:26: Are these two really the best from this season? They're not bad, but they're not interesting either.
7:28: Judges' Evaluations:
Randy: "Dude, they are both incredible." ... "Round one, slight edge to Scotty. Round two, however, slight edge to Alaina."
J-Lo: "I'm gonna go with Randy. Round one, Scotty. Round two, Alaina."
Steven Tyler: "First round and second round to Lauren, only because she's prettier than you are [Scotty]." ... "Most importantly, THEY'RE BOTH IN IT TO WIN IT!"
Evaluation of the Judges:
Randy: Why does he sound just like Keanu Reeves in Point Break now?
J-Lo: Man, she looks really good for a 60-year-old.
Steven Tyler: Man, he looks really good for a 600-year-old. For certain, he looks like what it'd probably look like if zombies had lips.
7:30: Taio Cruz(?) is onstage performing a song that the audience composed? What the shit is going on with this show? Wasn't it good before? American Idol: Where the judges don't say shit and the audience writes songs.
7:36: Now they're previewing the single that they'll be releasing if Scotty wins. That's right, if he wins. After this, they're going to preview the single that they'll be releasing if he doesn't win, followed up by the single they'll be releasing if he and Alaina tie, followed by the single they'll be releasing if he eats eggs for breakfast tomorrow, followed by the single they'll be releasing if the new iPhone sucks.
7:38: The song is called "I Love You This Big." Did the audience help write this one too? Because it's pretty bad.
7:38:15: Randy: "Scotty, you are here, YOU'RE IN IT TO WIN IT!"
Let's break down that analysis:
Who is here? Scotty. Where is he? Here. Why is he here? To be in it. Why is he in it? To win it.
7:41: Oh, good. More commercials.
7:45: Now they're previewing Lauren's single should she win. It's a song about her mom. How much do you want to bet that she walks off the stage and serenades her (if she's in the crowd) while she's singing it? And can I get you to parlay that with a She'll Cry Afterwards bet as well? We're giving 1,000,000 to 1.
7:48: Malibooyah. And she's serenading her.
7:48:30: And now she's crying. This is actually a nice little moment. She likely just won the competition.
7:48:45: Let's see what Randy has to say. Randy?
"You're Lauren. You're a woman. You're mom is here. Your name starts with an L. I like pizza. Do you like pizza? Let's get some pizza. CUT! Someone bring me some pizza. Did we go to commercial? ...Oh. Oh, we're still live? Okay. But for real, someone bring me some pizza. Like now."
7:52: They've just asked the judges who should win. They all seem to be pulling for Lauren. Seems fair enough. She cried after she sang a song about her mom that someone else wrote, after all.
7:54: The lines to vote are open for the next four hours. The winner gets announced tomorrow.
7:55: David Cook is here, and he's singing what sounds like that "Don't You Forget About Me" song, except a terrible version of it. That's fitting - in this instance, Pete Vonder Haar is the original version, I'm David Cook's version.
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End of show. Thanks.
Pete Vonder Haar will return to wrap up this whole sordid mess tomorrow.