Tonight's theme? "Michael Jackson Night." Thus, a lot of tears (and no lack of cruel laughter) are pretty much guaranteed - and the King of Pop won't even be there! * Ryan Seacrest outsources announcing duties to some nameless stooge. Hey, anonymous announcers need work, too. Toupees don't buy themselves! * This big kahuna stage set is like a night club from Xanadu or Buck Rogers, which probably wasn't the vibe the producers were going for. Or was it? * Lil Rounds very nearly negates the good will generated by her enthused performance of "The Way You Make Me Feel" with that stupid fucking poofy-pink shoulder ruffle. I'll never really "get" fashion, will I?
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* "You Are Not Alone" wasn't a good choice for The Sarvernator, was it? (Though: does an MJ deep cut exist that would've suited him, really?) Awkward. Kara: "You really showed that you can hit those notes." Not really, Kara; he showed that he's capable of kinda-sorta dodging high notes - just enough to con viewers into thinking they witnessed something amazing. There's encircling the melody in a technically dazzling way - think every Adam Lambert moment ever - and then there's what Sarver did last night. Totally different leagues. * Oh. My. God. Dudes! Did you catch that preview? Where Vin Diesel drove under a rolling, flaming oil tanker and shit? Fast & Furious is gonna be sick. * Kris Allen, you're way, way, waaaaay too young to be married. You're like a puppy.
* Is Allison Iraheta a Lucky Strike chainsmoker or something? She's got that husky kind of voice - middle-aged-woman in-need-of-emergency-estrogen voice - and her jailbait-on-the-Sunset-Strip look tonight played, weirdly, against that. But - but - she and Lambert were the only contestant tonight whose performances couldn't be improved upon. * Jorge Nunez's name should definitely come up whenever some studio decides to reboot The Love Boat franchise and it's time to settle on somebody to sing the theme song. *Megan Joy Corkrey's brother is in the audience, just turned 21, apparently idolizes Puddle of Mudd frontman Wes Scantlin. Why the producers allowed Jackson 5 songs tonight is beyond me. Simon on Corkrey's juvenile selection of schoolyard double-dutch staple "Rockin' Robin": "What a stupid song choice!" Well, yeah, on its face, but think about it: "Rockin' Robin" is manna to whatever audience is eating up whatever's supposedly cute about her. PAULA ABDULISM OF THE EVENING To Scott MacIntyre, following his piano-assisted spin on "Keep The Faith": "It's magical seeing your instrument at your fingertips." Regrettable! WHO'S GOING HOME: Jasmine Murray and Jorge Nunez WHO SHOULD GO HOME: Jasmine Murray and Megan Joy Corkrey