If Bands Sponsored NFL Teams: The AFC
Recently Vince Neil got approval to start his own Arena Football League franchise in Las Vegas. No word yet on the branding, but we here at Rocks Off are obviously hoping that, like the L.A. KISS, it will be themed around Neil's band Motley Crue.
For those not in the know, the L.A. KISS is KISS' own AFL team, and themed around the band's massive brand. I personally love this idea, and it got me thinking: what if the NFL was equally devoted to music, with bands buying the teams and shaping their images? And if this happened, what would those teams look like?
We decided to reinvent all 32 teams in the league based around their existing personas, and the bands that would (obviously) best fit them. Since Houston's own Texans are a member of the AFC, we'll start off with that conference, then move on to the NFC later.
Photo by Groovehouse
Buffalo Bills: Bon Jovi Because Jon Bon Jovi is buying your team, this is what you have to live with now, Bills fans.
Miami Dolphins: Will Smith The Fresh Prince is not only most definitely wealthy enough to buy his own team and style it after himself, he's also a noted fan of Miami itself.
New England Patriots: DJ Khaled Why DJ Khaled? Cause all he does is win, just like the obnoxiously dynastic Patriots, who have refused to stop being one of the best teams in the NFL for 12 years running.
New York Jets: Paul McCartney and Wings This one was too easy. "Jet"? Really? Perfect theme for this team.
Baltimore Ravens: Judas Priest "Breaking the Law" should be this team's theme song. Those of us with long memories still haven't forgotten the Ray Lewis trial, while those of us with short memories can just look to Ray Rice.
Cincinnati Bengals: Survivor "Eye of the Tiger," anyone?
Cleveland Browns: Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band The Chicago Cubs are known as the "Lovable Losers" of the MLB, but in the NFL, no team is more fitting than the Cleveland Browns. That's why I picked Bob Seger, for his song "Beautiful Loser." No matter how many losing seasons they have, Browns fans never give up.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Metallica The Steelers, of course, need a righteously metal band to represent them, and who better and more capable of buying a team than Metallica themselves?
Story continues on the next page.
Photo by Marc Brubaker
Jacksonville Jaguars: Limp Bizkit Limp Bizkit front man Fred Durst is a Jacksonville native, but moreover, neither has really been any good since the '90s, so it's a perfect fit. Sorry, Jags fans.
Photo by Marco Torres
Indianapolis Colts: David Lee Roth Indianapolis has never really been a "cool" place, even when Peyton Manning was playing there, but if Bloomington, Ind. native David Lee Roth moved in, it would ooze swagger.
Houston Texans: Bun B If anyone is going to represent Houston, it's got to be a native, and who better than Houston's unofficial mayor?
Tennessee Titans: Guns N' Roses Guns N' Roses might seem like an arbitrary choice for this team, but take a listen to "I Used to Love Her" and any Houstonian will instantly agree they're the right call.
Photo by Groovehouse
Denver Broncos: Daft Punk Why Daft Punk? Because I have a theory about Peyton Manning. When he underwent those neck surgeries, it wasn't to fix injuries. It was to convert him into a cyborg. That is the only explanation for his inexplicably being a better quarterback at 38 post-surgery than he was at 28 and healthy.
Kansas City Chiefs: Wolf Parade The K.C. Wolf has been an institution since 1989, and frankly wolves are a lot cooler than arrowheads. Plus, given the controversy in Washington right now, the Kansas City Wolves might be a wise choice to change their name and logo to soon.
Oakland Raiders: The Mars Volta I picked the Mars Volta for this one, mainly because of the sweet jacket pictured above, worn by front man Cedric Bixler-Zavala at a festival in 2009. Plus, the band are already fans of the legendary NFL bad boys.
San Diego Chargers: AC/DC The lightning bolt as a logo made it easy to go with AC/DC and their supercharged "Thunderstruck" for this team.
ROCKS OFF'S GREATEST HITS
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene with music features, additional online music listings and show picks. We'll also send special ticket offers and music promotions available only to our Music Newsletter subscribers.