If Bands Sponsored NFL Teams: The NFC
Is Snoop finally the man to bring the Rams back to L.A.?
Photo by Marc Brubaker
Recently we wrote about the ramifications of KISS and Vince Neil buying their own Arena Football League teams and what it would be like if NFL teams were also themed around bands and musicians. We started by running down the AFC, including our hometown Houston Texans.
This time we're going to examine the NFC and see what teams fit with what bands in that conference.
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Philadelphia Eagles: Charlie, Mac, and Dennis Can fictional characters represent a team? Well, the Gang from Always Sunny in Philadelphia are Philly natives, obviously, and they wrote the perfect theme song for the Eagles: "Birds of War" from the episode "The Gang Wrestles for the Troops."
New York Giants: Jay Z Nobody represents New York more than Jay Z these days, and hell, as a sports agent, he even represents a few players on the team.
Dallas Cowboys: Pantera I shouldn't need to explain this to any Texan, but Pantera were known as the Cowboys from Hell and originated from the DFW area. It's the perfect fit, right down to the fact that neither the band nor the team has done anything since the year 2000.
Washington (NFL Team): Skrewdriver Skrewdriver was a punk band in the early days of hardcore who honestly did write some pretty good music, but were also neo-Nazi skinheads whose lyrics were all nationalist and racist as hell. Sort of like how Washington's NFL team isn't half bad, but their name represents a disgraceful period of racism in American history.
Chicago Bears: Chicago The name was my starting point, but then I realized it was apt because Bears fans and Chicago fans are both still stuck in the '70s and '80s. Ooh, sick burn. Kidding, Bears fans. You guys are very big and scary.
Detroit Lions: White Lion Once again, I started with the name. Then I laughed because White Lion has always sucked, just like the Lions, who have never made it to a Super Bowl.
"Yea, and the Artist looked down at the Minnesota Vikings, winning by 17 points, and saw that it was good."
Minnesota Vikings: Prince Look, the man wrote a fight song for the team already. The Artist is practically the face of Minnesota. I'd be remiss to pick anyone else to represent the Vikings.
Green Bay Packers: Ozzy Osbourne What do Ozzy and a certain Packers legend have in common? Neither one can seem to stay retired. Oof, that joke came straight out of 2009. I apologize to everyone.
Story continues on the next page.
Atlanta Falcons: OutKast The Atlanta music scene has always been rich in just about every genre, but to me, the ATLiens are Atlanta.
Carolina Panthers: Hootie and the Blowfish In truth, I feel bad for doing this to Carolina fans, but Hootie was seriously South Carolina's most famous and successful contribution to the music world. At least they've got Cam Newton?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Deicide Really, the only thing funnier and more badass than Job for a Cowboy playing Cardinals games is Tampa band Deicide scaring the shit out of Tampa Bay's 80+ year old Floridian fanbase.
New Orleans Saints: Down From the imagery to the lyrics, former Pantera front man Phil Anselmo's supergroup Down screams Louisiana pride.
Arizona Cardinals: Job for a Cowboy Though Job for a Cowboy are from Glendale, it might have been more appropriate to go with Jordin Sparks, who sang the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLII and is Arizona's most famous musical export these days. More appropriate, maybe, but definitely less badass than hearing "Entombment of a Machine" at Cardinals games.
Los Angeles Rams: Snoop Dogg Snoop Dogg is an absolute representation of L.A. and the Cali lifestyle, so I felt like he would be absolutely perfect for-- this just in, the Rams moved to St. Louis in 1995. Whoops. Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
San Francisco 49ers: Primus Honestly, the San Francisco music scene is so rich, it was almost impossible to pick a band out of all of them to represent their hometown team. Therefore I went with the weirdest Bay Area residents of all, just for the sake of entertainment.
Seattle Seahawks: Kanye West Your Super Bowl champions, and maybe the most hated team in America today by anyone outside of Washington state, bandwagoners excluded. Kanye West is the perfect fit for this team as he's insanely talented, crazy arrogant and so, so very hateable.
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