I'm Bored With My Boyfriend. Help!
Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
Photo by Mario Jaramillo
I'M READY FOR THE NEXT STEP BUT SHE ISN'T
Dear Willie D:
My girlfriend and I have been together for three years, and I'm ready for the next step in our relationship. I want to marry her, but every time I talk about long-term commitment she changes the subject and says stuff like, "Let's just live in the moment" and "Anything can happen." I'm not satisfied with just dating. I'm 32 years old; she's 31, and neither of us have kids.
I thought the idea of being in a committed relationship was to get married and build a future together, but she seems to be on a different page. I love her a lot, but I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time. What in the hell does she mean by, "Anything can happen?"
What she means is, she wants to leave her options open in case things don't work out or in case someone better than you comes along. It's time to kill all the speculation and flat-out ask her to marry you. If she says yes you're set, but if she says no you may want to consider pitching her back into the sea, and fishing again.
You've been playing house with your girlfriend for three solid years. You're way past the "Anything can happen" stage.
HELP ME BREAK UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND
Dear Willie D:
I have been dating a certain guy for about eight months, but I want to break up with him. He doesn't seem like he really wants to be with me because he is always putting his friends before me. If I call him he'll come over to my house, and most of the time we will end up having sex, but it's never sensual or special like a girl expects. He also cheated on me twice; I think he's just with me for sex.
Basically our relationship is boring. The only reason we're still together is out of familiarity. I have finally accepted that I don't want to go on like this. What should I say to break it off with him without making him mad at me?
Tell him you're pregnant.
More Ask Willie D on the next page.
I'M 14 AND SECRETLY DRINK ALCOHOL
Dear Willie D: My parents are divorced so I live with my dad. Every time he leaves home I drink the alcohol that he keeps behind the bar. I don't drink too much; just enough to where he can't notice. I also drink when I'm at my friend's house. His older brother buys beer for us. I like drinking alcohol because it makes me forget about my problems. But I don't want to become an alcoholic, or some kind of bum. I'm just 14 years old. What should I do?
Dear Willie D:
My parents are divorced so I live with my dad. Every time he leaves home I drink the alcohol that he keeps behind the bar. I don't drink too much; just enough to where he can't notice. I also drink when I'm at my friend's house. His older brother buys beer for us. I like drinking alcohol because it makes me forget about my problems.
But I don't want to become an alcoholic, or some kind of bum. I'm just 14 years old. What should I do?
The short answer is to stop drinking. Additionally, if you can't stop cold, don't put yourself in environments where people will be drinking; that means stop hanging out with your friend who drinks. If you don't have any friends who don't drink alcohol, get some. If you can't talk to your parents about your problem, talk to your school counselor or a trusted adult. They will help you and give you information to make the right choices.
The fact that you're only 14 years old with a drinking problem alarms me. But to be as young as you are and able to identify your problem, then admit to it, gives me hope for you, and says a lot about your character. There are alcoholics in their forties and fifties still living in denial.
TELLING MY DAUGHTER THAT SHE'S ADOPTED
Dear Willie D:
My story is long and exhausting, but I'll spare you most of the details. My adopted daughter who is now 11 years old is starting to ask questions about her identity. I'm a single mother who took on the responsibility of caring for her after her biological mother, who is my sister, which she believes is her aunt, told me she didn't want her because she already had three other children [two girls and a boy] she couldn't afford.
Lately she has been asking me things like does she look like her father. She says this because we don't look anything alike. The only physical commonality we share is our hair color and texture. When I told her that her dad died a long time ago, I never imagined the day would come when she would ask to visit his grave. So when she did I told her he was cremated.
Now she's asking about his parents, and other family members. She wants to visit them, and often asks to see pictures of her father. I can't tell this little girl any more lies, Willie. It's killing me holding all of this information inside of my head, but I'm afraid that if I tell her the truth she might resent me, and want to live with her biological mother whom she loves, and whose kids she plays well with.
I love my baby girl like I birthed her myself. But how do I tell her she's adopted; her aunt is really her mother; her cousins are her siblings; and her father is not dead, but alive and well living two streets over from her?
No More Lies:
Wow; that is a lot. Sit her down and start the conversation off by telling her how special she is, and how much joy she brings to your life. Then slowly peel off the layers of deception one at a time with the truth. Try something along these lines:
Sweetheart, I'm proud of the young lady you're becoming, and mommy wants you to know that you mean more to me than anything. Sometimes people keep secrets to protect the ones they love. But sometimes you have to tell a secret to protect the ones you love. That's what I want to talk to you about. Your Aunt [fill in the name] actually had four children.
When her fourth child was born she was a young mother with little money to pay for bills, food and clothes. She couldn't afford to care for the baby so she asked me to adopt it, which I happily agreed to. That baby was you. I raised you as though I had carried you in my own womb and gave birth to you myself. I'm not your biological mother, but I'm still your mother, and you are my daughter, and nothing will ever change that.
Your biological mother is your Aunt [fill in the name] and her children are not your cousins; they are your sisters, and brother. Also [deep breath] your dad is not dead; he is alive and lives close by.
This will likely be the hardest conversation you'll ever have in life, and her emotions will be all over the place, so be patient in allowing her time to process everything. When you inform kids early in life about their adoption status, they tend to cope much better and not see it as that big of a deal. All secrets are eventually revealed, so it's best you tell her before she finds out by someone else.
Don't worry about whether she'll stop viewing you as her mother; she won't. Biologically birthing someone does not make you a mom. You get that honor when you provide unconditional love, nurturing and support.
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