*** Remember that people are surprisingly willing to trade intoxicants for sunscreen.
*** Don’t wear clothes. Like, any. Go naked, if possible. And I’m not being skeezy; this is a practical matter, y’all. It’s June in Houston, and it’s probably too damn hot for clothes on a normal, old-people-errand-running weekend. At an outdoor Houston festival in the month of June, clothing becomes a hindrance and quite possibly a liability. So really, perhaps you should just try not to wear anything...but sunscreen.
*** If you don’t schedule in your bathroom breaks ahead of time, you’re making absolutely certain that you’ll miss something you badly wanted to see.
*** Don’t wear anything you’d be heartbroken to get vomit on.
*** All bets are off now that the festival has been relocated away from Eleanor Tinsley Park. None of us are veterans anymore, except maybe the Warped Tour attendees from the 2000s. The best advice I can give festival-goers is to hydrate. Hydrate a lot. Because it's going to be hot, and there won't be as much grass or shade as in years past. Have fun out there.
*** Do NOT have sex in a portapotty. DO have sex in the Astrodome.
*** You probably should have started hydrating about a month ago, but if you somehow missed that hotter ’n' hell Houston memo, you best get to gettin’ now. Like, no joke. You should have been prepping by consuming gallons and gallons of water. Drink more than you ever imagined that your poor bladder could hold, and then drink some more. When you start looking like a post-gum-bloat Violet Beauregarde, you’re probably halfway there. Do it.
*** Look at a map and know where you’re going beforehand. Festivals are physically exhausting, so don’t waste time and energy walking to the wrong entrance in the sweltering heat.
*** Go Fancy Pants-style. You work hard. You save up money. You sweat, from time to time, but you live with it. If you can afford it, treat yourself to the high life, or at least to the ticket level that gets you air-conditioned-tent access. Even if Houston won't feel like it's on fire this weekend, it's going to be hot, and while you can fight it back with cold water and cold beer, air conditioning may just be mankind's greatest unnecessary invention. So go big. You're worth it.
*** Bitch, don’t wear heels. It's ridiculous. As a female with a moderate interest in fashion and an exceptional interest in hot dudez, I completely understand the desire to look good in situations where there is potential to meet cute people. That being said, one thing I like a hell of a lot more than dudez is being able to actually enjoy the situations I experience. Seriously, you look like a dumbass, stumbling around like a drunk baby deer. Why you would torture yourself like this is beyond me, because a bad shoe choice will affect your capability of maximizing your fun level. But the person I really feel bad for is the guy who brought you, whose main job for the next eight hours is to hold you by the elbow while you toddle around like an asshole.
*** Have a meeting place designated with your friends so when your cell-phone battery runs out or no signal is available you can still find them. Seriously kids, I know you’ll be feel pretty trill after taking in Welcome to Houston but don’t go wandering, get lost and wind up at Carrington’s because it’ll be “Game Over”…that is of course, unless you are Lil’ Flip.
*** Bring that water bottle. Paying $6 for a bottle of Dasani is consumer extortion on the highest level. That money could better be used toward overpriced Bud Lights, delicious local food trucks (visit Gregg at Koagie Hots for some bitchin’ kimchi fries) or the much-needed Uber ride home. In short, bring a refillable water bottle. The only thing that’s more of a pain in the ass than carrying it around all day is the pain in your ass caused by forking over your hard-earned cash for bottles of glorified tap water.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
*** Make sure you don’t wear ice skates, because I’m pretty sure there’s no ice-skating rink this year.
*** Expect and accept that not everything will go according to plan. It's a small miracle that this festival is still happening, what with the basically last-minute location change. Have you ever been to a festival the first year at a new location? It never goes great. You can plan all you want, but until you're actually setting things up and running the show, you never really know how well it's going to work out. If things can go pear-shaped for festivals that know months in advance they'll be at a new location, we should all cut the FPSF crew some slack if there are issues on Day 1. Just go with it, and complain on social media so we can make a post about it. Thanks!
*** Manage your expectations and quit your bitching. Look. FPSF had to last-minute move to a parking lot. They busted their asses to make this happen, so let’s all give them a little leeway, okay? Even if this festival went off 100 percent as planned at Eleanor Tinsley, people would still bitch anyway: The lineup! The crowd! The heat! Blahblahblah! So let’s all face reality together and get over it, capisce? The people who are grumbly pricks about FPSF are the same people who visit Galveston and complain that the beaches aren’t made of white sand. Manage your expectations and have a much better time.
All the other info you need is at fpsf.com.