In Honor of Michelle Obama and "Shortsgate," the Best Ass Songs of All Time
In a year when the biggest news stories aren't about war or the environment but a mentally unbalanced woman having a litter of children and the death of a creepy pop singer who hadn't put out a decent album in 25 years, it should come as no surprise that so many people would be up in arms about First Lady Michelle Obama'soutrageous
decision to wear shorts on Air Force One. On a trip to Arizona. In August. Frankly, we wish more Presidential spouses had gone this route (rumor has it Bess Truman had some killer gams), but rather than get too wrapped up in debates about how short is too short... for shorts, we thought we'd "honor" her brave decision, and even try to encourage further daring fashion choices with a selection of songs about that most forbidden of fruit: thederriere
.Dr. Hook, "Baby Makes her Blue Jeans Talk":
If you can listen to the words of this song independent of the video (which we freely admit is hard to take your eyes off of), you'll realize two-thirds of it merely repeats the title of the song itself. Apparently Shel Silverstein was busy that day.
Songs like this and Dr. Hook's make it pretty obvious that if a) your song is about ass; and b) your video shows a lot of same, you can pretty much make it as long as you want and nobody's going to complain. That is, except for a former coworker of mine who cried every time she heard this because it reminded her of her ex=boyfriend. Move over, Carpenters.
Watching his subtle craft in this video, it isn't hard to believe Ludacris is making millions more on the big screen. Because we all agree that what Hollywood needs right now is more rappers becoming actors.
With current obesity trends, we have to wonder if Queen might have swung the other way and written a song celebrating the lack of ass. With Freddie Mercury's untimely passing, the world will be left to wonder.
This cut from 1975'sFandango
likely never would have been written in the Internet age, as it seems inconceivable in the era of Craigslist and Adult Friend Finder that anyone would have to roam from Dallas to Hollywood looking for some action.
Not many people remember this, but folks were unfamiliar enough with Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer in 1984 that many people thought the Tap was an actual band. Hell, we had a college "friend" in 1992 who believed this, and loudly voiced his opinions on the matter through a mid-afternoon screening (his first, our 20th). Clearly, we needed new friends.
Jesus, and we thought hair-metal bands made unrealistic videos. We've been to Louisiana, Mystikal's home state, and one rarely sees three scantily-clad hotties strolling down a dirt road in Plaquemine Parish just waiting for you to roll up and check them out. Try Bourbon Street after an LSU Sugar Bowl win.
The Beasties celebrated their split from Def Jam, where they had accused Rick Rubin and Russell Simmons of wanting them to do little more than drink beer and ride giant phalluses, by releasing - among other things - a song glorifying jiggling buttocks. They're called baby steps for a reason, people.
Ladies may love Cool James, but he won't return the favor unless you can deliver some serious booty. You have been warned.
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