Is Z-Ro Too Big To Get Big?
Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and, albeit sometimes awkwardly, tie it to a bit of Houston rap. We'll incorporate the number five in there somewhere. Send tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.
A lot of the time, it's easy to pick what to write about for this section. Sometimes the posts just sort of write themselves. When Bun B shouted out that blog that had catalogued all of those obscure UGK features, that was a no-brainer. Getting with the guy that ran that site seemed like something that had to be done. Or when that copy of Z-Ro's Cocaine leaked even though nobody anywhere knew exactly what it was, that was a given too. We mean, is there ever a situation when it's not pertinent to write about Z-Ro? We contend no. By the way, was anybody else paying attention to how big Z-Ro was when he popped up at the Drake show recently? Here's video. He makes a cool-looking fat guy, for sure, but there are two problems with his size - one of which probably isn't all that serious, the second of which is. First, doesn't seeing him like this feel like an official end to the "Sooner Or Later, Z-Ro Is Going To Break Through And Become A Huge National Artist" argument? There's no way Fat Z-Ro gets any recognition from MTV, BET or any other mainstream outlet. It's impossible. These days, you can be fat (Ricky Ross), or you can tell people you're a thug (Plies, TI, etc). But you can not be a fat guy that tells people you're a thug. It's just too much. And if you're about to argue that that's exactly what Ross does, you should take a look at that new "Super High" video he did with Ne-Yo. If you do a video with Ne-Yo where he dresses up like the gayest biker in history, you are not a thug. That's that. Second, and this is the more serious bit, but given Ro's fondness of syrup, don't you think his being overweight probably isn't the best idea in the world? Those two things don't mesh so well. Big Moe enjoyed syrup and was overweight. Now he's dead. Pimp C enjoyed syrup and was overweight. Now he's dead. Of course, nobody is hoping anything like that happens, but if it does, you shouldn't be too surprised. Anyhow, sometimes there's just so much going on that it's impossible to hone in on one thing in particular. It's why fish swim in schools. Or why orgy pornos always suck. And there has been a ton or rap-related tomfoolery going on as of late. Hit the jump to see five storylines from the recent week or so that you should be up on.
50 Looks Awful: Oh my word: Did you see the pictures of Fif that he put up on his site? Apparently, he cut about 90 lbs to play a cancer stricken football player. He looks terrible. He looks worse than Tom Hanks did in Philadelphia. He looks like what we imagine a naked Marvin the Martian looks like. The Real Housewives of Houston: So maybe there's a Houston version of those housewife reality shows being shot right around now. If there is, Bun's wife has to be on there. For one, her name is Queen, so they wouldn't even have to give her one of those goofy nicknames like "Streetz" or whatever they do on For The Love of Ray-J. For two, she's Bun's wife. In Houston, that's paramount to being married to the mayor. Is the mayor married? They should get her wife too. Hip-Hop Hope Tuesdays: The summer's here, which means Rap-A-Lot, et. al are teaming up with Christian record label Much Luvv to offer their "Hip-Hop Hope Tuesdays" summer program. It kicks off June 8 at 7 p.m. at the J. Prince rec center (3000 Jensen). Bun is involved. Willie D is involved. 007 from the 5th Ward Boys is involved. Check it out. It's a good look for everyone involved. Optimo Radio: Have you listened to this yet? It's an online station that appears to play only underground Houston rap. It's fantastic. We felt the same amount of excited when we found this in our inbox as we did when we found Red Tube in there. Hat tip to host Big Ram.
The Mt. Rushmore of Rap: So advertisements for this shirt started popping up all over the place. It's pretty fly. There was a time ago when we were writing The Countdown that commenter J. Bell mentioned doing something like. We thought on the selections that would be made for the Houston Mt. Rushmore for a considerable amount of time. Three of the spots seem like locks; there's no way Bun, Pimp and Scarface can not be on there. But who's the fourth? Does DJ Screw count? If so, it's gotta be him, right? But what about Ro? Willie? Cham? Trae? Keke? ESG? Fat Pat? Eminem's double cover for Recovery: Point blank, Em is amazing. We tried and tried to not like him or discredit him, but it's impossible. He very well may be the Best Rapper Alive. For us, he cemented it with his work on "Forever." He was on there with three of the other alleged hottest rappers in the game (Drake, Weezy, Kanye) and crushed them all. It wasn't even close. He's the one guy that you can put on your song that will help it sell a million downloads, except nobody wants to enlist his help because he incidentally exposes how bad most of these other guys are. It's like putting Denzel Washington in a movie with Michael Cera. Michael Cera's cool on his own. But he's fuckin' awful when he's standing next to Denzel.
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