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Joshua Tree of Money: 5 Ways for Bono to Spend His Facebook Windfall

Bono: Still stinking rich.
Bono: Still stinking rich.

A few things fell and swooped in from last Friday's giant Facebok IPO announcement. The first being Mark Zuckerberg changing his relationship status from "in a relationship" to "married, but with a prenup the size of that screen Roger Waters is using for The Wall," second being the stock didn't jump above its initial $38 a share, and third - it made Bono superbly and also terribly rich.

Like the South Park episode pointed out a few years ago, Bono was put on this earth to break records and also sell you some pretty timeless rock albums (not to mention top you in every single thing, ever). Point blank.

If The Joshua Tree had any chance of catching Thriller in terms of album sales, Bono would possibly do whatever it took to get there. Because he's Bono and he just raked in $1.5 billion by buying 2.3 percent interest in the company a few years back.

The old record was held by Sir Paul McCartney, whose fortunes have been said to be worth about $1.01 billion. Even if Bono denies such lofty claims -- more conservative estimates have him pocketing around a paltry $35 million -- he still is one of the richest musicians in the world, so there's that.

Here are at least five ways we know Bono could spend all that cash.

5. Buy Every Music Festival in the World, Rename Them Bono: Thought Coachella was interesting enough with hologram Tupac? Bono could replicate that feat and then some by staging nothing but U2 concerts across the world in every major festival, at the same damn time. There would be nothing but wall-to-wall coverage of handclaps, streaming tears and him standing onstage in 75 different countries like a Greek God. Or worse, Loki from The Avengers.

4. Actually Feed the Homeless: A gimme, all things considered. I'm quite certain he could spend his entire fortune (or half of it) getting meals for the children in Africa and things of that nature and still somehow make it on top. They'd call him Man of the Year in Time magazine and probably tell the Constitution to screw off, we want Bono for president.

3. Buy Every Justin Bieber Twitter Follower: Look, Facebook already bought out Instagram for $1 billion, I'm more than certain Bono could hijack every person who decided it was a good idea to follow Beebs' daily life on the social network. At least when Bono passes (God forbid), he won't have random people tweeting "Who Is Bono?"

 

Joshua Tree of Money: 5 Ways for Bono to Spend His Facebook Windfall

2. Make "One" the National Anthem As much power as money wields, patriotism can always change. I mean, you had a guy in France rocking "N*ggas In Paris" as his presidential theme song. Have you ever thought how many bad covers of "The Star Spangled Banner" there are? Like honestly, there are more than a dozen of them. Plus, it's better to say, "She totally screwed up "One" as opposed to, you know, some nutjob wanting your head because you held a note past 12 seconds or something.

1. Fix I-45, I-10 and Any Other Houston Road, For Good: Local-centric? You're damn right. Since the city is in its own flux economically and it seems like these road problems have been a bane in everyone's existence for the better part of a decade now, Bono could whisper "Hello, Hello" at City Council, drop something off and rid us of our long nightmare trying to get to the northside of town and back.


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