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Justin Bieber's Believe: Dubstep, Dick Talk, Nicki Minaj & Exactly One Good Song

Justin Bieber's Believe: Dubstep, Dick Talk, Nicki Minaj & Exactly One Good Song

I listened to the new Justin Bieber album, Believe, twice this afternoon so I could write this.

I am not looking for sympathy because I took it upon myself. I did this so you wouldn't have to, though if you are cool enough to read our blog, the thought of listening to Justin Bieber's Believe wasn't on your agenda today, tomorrow, or probably ever. Unless you have a tween daughters, and an iron stomach.

Here is a track by track breakdown. I will say this, he's got some female issues, and not the fun "too many girls, too little time!" kind. More of the "chicks are possessions" kind, that actually makes the album more offensive and immature than you would think.

"All Around the World": You know it's bad when I can listen to an album and imagine in my head what the stage set will look like, or the dancers hanging from trapezes and everyone wearing flags from all around the world as party gear. There may even be colored people onstage with Justin too. Oh good, Ludacris is here and he's calling him and JB the "dynamic duo".

"Boyfriend": How is "chilling by the fire eating fondue" not a meme yet? Plus, the message here is basically "DON'T FUCKING LEAVE BECAUSE I WILL BUY YOU SHIT. SWAG." I wanna believe that Justin has this secret side life as a member of Odd Future and he smokes weed and listens to Sonic Youth with Tyler, The Creator but pop music in 2012 is no fairy-tale world.

"As Long as You Love Me": As long as you love Justin, you guys can be starving and homeless. Digging the chicks as possession jazz here. Young girls need to know that they must depend on strapping lads like Justin to take their hands and wipe their asses.

Of course the king of respecting women, Big Sean, comes by for a few verses to say that he would rather work shit out with one girl than start with another. So stay in those dead-end relationships. It ALWAYS works out. The grass is green where you water it, sez Big Sean.

"Catching Feelings": Justin is starting to feel special things for a childhood friend, I assume chronicling how he hollered first at Selena Gomez. He's too young but he's catching feelings in his head.

"Take You": Yeah, take her Justin. Lay that pipe in the "senorita," you are an adult now. Ejaculate dubstep all over that "little lady" too. Enrique Iglesias is rolling in his grave.

 

"Right Here": He's here to stay, and not going anywhere. With a deeper voice too. Ain't nobody going to control because he's... right... here. Now he's there. OK, right there. Drake's here to bring the point home unless you forgot where he was. Oh damn, is that sex noises? You nasty, JB. He's also promising to put it on you. But where? Here? And what is "it"?

"Fall": Let Justin tell you a story about a boy who fell in love with his best friend and....right now I am going to push pause and type what I think I am going to hear for the next four minutes. Girl was hurting and broke, so he gave her attention that no other guy could (with $$$ or maybe some 8===D too) and she soon fell in love with him and they will be together forever and ever and nothing will ever break them apart. Ever.

"Die In Your Arms": The one and only song on Believe that I would see myself listening to more than once. Fuck my life, I like this one. Maybe because it reminds of Lauryn Hill's version of "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You"? Probably. Oddly enough I like the one with the most saccharine, Jackson 5, piano-plonking organization. At least the message here is that chicks aren't easy to deal with and that he's actually at the mercy of them. Because he is. We all are, JB, so crack open a beer and grow a beard.

"Thought of You": Why should you fight the feelings you have and just fuck Justin? He's thinking of you, so you might as well. In fact, he is in love with thought of you, which always works out in the end, trust a man who knows. He likes your style and you are amazing, so you shouldn't be stuck in denial and just live in the moment. Music by Diplo.

The body that launched a thousand awful verses of purple prose.
The body that launched a thousand awful verses of purple prose.

"Beauty and a Beat": NIIIIIICKIIIII MIIIIIIINAAAAAJ! With a beat and bass line stolen from the Frenchies in Phoenix, this gruusesome twosome doesn't take long to rock your body. That means that he can feel your pants hurting, I guess. Party like it's 3012 tonight. You know, like with robots and shit.

Aight, time to take a break. I just can't do 16 songs in a row from this future TMZ mugshot. I pressed play on the deluxe edition of Believe so I dug my own grave as always. What else came out today? There's the new Fiona Apple, with a title you need a Cliffs Notes to get through.

Oceania, a fresh disc from the Smashing Corgans, is quality. "Pale Horse" reminds me of the old Mellon Collie stuff. There's a new Glen Hansard out too, but I just drank a ton of coffee and my heart isn't into it just yet.

I ended up getting tacos and listening to Elliott Smith because I wasn't sure if it was really two L's and two T's in his name, so I am back now.

"One Love": What is this, a power ballad? It sounds like "Forever Young" by Alphaville and Foreigner's "Waiting For a Girl Like You" had sex in the back of a Prius. A small Prius at that. I don't care for the "Oh-way oh-way" opening. Justin is here to find you. All he wants to do is lay down next to you, and he doesn't want nobody when he's got your body. (That all means fucking in the Bible, FYI.)

"Be Alright": You know, those dudes in Extreme are pretty old by now, and have old-man strength and lawyers who will sue your skinny jeans off. It's hard, babe.

"Believe": Ah, the title track. Finally. You know dude, Miley Cyrus wrote this song better (or had someone write it for her) with "The Climb". Man, I could listen to that at least four times in a row when it came out. He's only 18 and he's already using a gospel choir, preaching about standing tall, and overcoming. You haven't even had your first DUI yet, brah. Dweams come twue.

 

"Out of Town Girl": She's not from out of town, JB, she's a prostitute.

"She Don't Like The Lights": Who? Selena Gomez? Yeah, she seems like she's not into having her picture taken. I can't wait for Selena to can ol' Justin for another dude, like someone older and less you know, "Justin Bieber." The moment he finally gets his dick kicked in the dirt is when his music will really get good, or at least less possessive. He's too enamored with getting laid and adored to know what it's like to have a broad totally smash your heart into smithereens.

"Maria": What a sad, half-ass update of "Billie Jean". This is how you get pissed, Justin? With a falsetto, phaser sounds, and this weird vibrating effect that made me think my phone was ringing? You should have just covered MJ and went at it that way. No one sympathizes with you. This shit happened back in November, and that is five years ago in pop-culture time. I completely forgot that you didn't fuck a chick in a bathroom stall.


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