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Katy Perry To Beat Michael Jackson, Destroy Earth

Marc Brubaker

Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

Katy Perry To Beat Michael Jackson, Destroy Earth
Marc Brubaker

Whether you like her or not, and Rocks Off hates her like a fart that turns into a mild pants soilage, you cannot argue that Katy Perry is poised to take the spot as No. 1 female artist in the world. Her latest single from Teenage Dream, "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" has broken a record held jointly by Lady Gaga and Justin Timberlake by having five No. 1 singles from one album.

Now she is tied with the only other musician to accomplish that feat, Michael Jackson, who scored five No. 1 singles from 1987's Bad. She's aiming to break Jacko's record with a sixth single from Teenage Dream.

So thank you, Katy Perry, for once again proving that most people with ears deserve to be deaf. That's why we're not too sad that your accomplishment means THE END IS NIGH!

As always, the answer lies in the Book of Revelation. Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny...

And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee, and all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou shalt find them no more at all.

The merchants of these things, which were made rich by her, shall stand afar off for the fear of her torment, weeping and wailing,

And saying, Alas, alas, that great city, that was clothed in fine linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious stones, and pearls!

For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as trade by sea, stood afar off,

And cried when they saw the smoke of her burning, saying, What city is like unto this great city!

And they cast dust on their heads, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, that great city, wherein were made rich all that had ships in the sea by reason of her costliness! for in one hour is she made desolate.

- Rev. 18:14-19

 

Note the word "fruit" in the first part of the above passage. Doesn't seem like much, until you realize that "Perry" as a name is derived from an old English word meaning "pear tree." It was first used as a surname in 16th-century England specifically referring to people who lived near pear orchards.

Once you accept that, the whole thing falls into uncanny place. She is certainly someone who thy soul can lust after - particularly in our case, since we just pretend she's a drunken, easy version of Zooey Deschanel. Plus, as we pointed out in her inexplicable success, the merchants of Perry's "fruits" have grown fantastically rich on her wares.

So we have a juicy pop tart making countless suits billions of buckeroos for herself and a bunch of suits, and as we clearly see in the next couple of passages it leads directly to the burning of cities and the end of all their money. Now maybe this isn't literal. Perhaps the passage doesn't refer to an actual city, but instead deals with the death of the city built on rock and roll.

Interestingly enough, there is another lesser-known origin to the name Perry. It may be derived from the Norman French word "perriuer." It means "quarryman." Provider of rock. Oh my God (and yours too), it's not the fiery death of the material world we must fear by the juggernaut success of Katy Perry, it is the death of music itself.

Oh wait, we already knew that. Never mind.

Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.
- Rev. 1:3

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