Kim Kardashian's "Jam" A Hurdle Too Big To Clear
Stick to what you're good at: A simple, yet, invaluable lesson that can save you lots of embarrassment. Kim Kardashian hasn't learned that lesson, but she will soon when she breaks into the music industry with her pop debut, "Jam (Turn It Up)," a nightmare of a song created and recorded by R&B sensation The-Dream.
Rocks Off learned the lesson of "stick to what you're good at" much earlier in life during our 8th grade year, when we decided to briefly leave distance running to take on the 300-meter hurdles, because it looked cool.
If only Michael Jordan had decided to take a crack at pro baseball a year earlier, we might have learned from other people's mistakes and saved ourselves the embarrassment of that fateful race at Elsik High School in 1992.
Going into the home stretch of the 300-meter hurdles, our bony 5'5 frame was barely clearing the last of the race's hurdles, and having never finished worse than third at a track meet in front of our beloved father - may he rest in peace - we were looking at a potentially disastrous 6th-place finish in just our heat: Unacceptable for any walking Rodriguez in sports.
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But something incredible happened: The first-place runner failed to clear the very last hurdle, falling and causing a human domino effect that sent the next four runners in front of us falling to the cold hard track before they could cross the finish line, allowing this skinny Mexican kid from Richmond (i.e. Rocks Off) to emerge victorious in the last 10 meters of the race, our arms and fingers firmly pointing to the stars, breaking the tape in glorious fashion.
Something that incredible could only happen at a junior high school track meet, by the way. We have other stories like when the hair weave of a sprinter fell out of our teammate's head and she stopped to quickly reclaim her hair and still won the race.
Anyway, immediately after our unfathomable win, we searched the stands for our father, like Mike Eruzione did when the U.S. men's hockey team upset the Russians in the 1980 Lake Placid Winter Olympics.
But instead of a look of glee and jubilation on our father's face - he often thought it was cool to wear his high-school letterman jacket to our sporting events - he gave us a confused sigh like, "How in the hell did you pull that off, you lucky son of a bitch?"
We nodded to him with a look of understanding that said, "Got it. We'll go back to being a miler."
Kardashian and The-Dream
That year, Kim Kardashian was in 7th grade, and if we had attended the same junior high and she ran track, Ms. New Booty might have learned "stick to what you're good at" from us. But like the timing of Michael Jordan's baseball run, it just wasn't in the stars.
Neither is Kim's attempt to be the latest crossover R&B/pop star. She now has the worst pop song on record... ever... in the universe. No, not arguably.
Have you listened to "Jam"? Don't.
It'll just piss you off, if you're like Rocks Off, sitting at Bar Retro last Tuesday night being impressed by a wealth of Houston's R&B talent. You know that there's a great chance you'll never hear them on the radio or in clubs, but due to Kim's celebrity, you will be forced to endure "Jam."
Though we're well aware of the tasteless, uncreative, corporate stronghold on today's radio dials, we still naively ask ourselves the question, "Why does today's radio play have to sound so damn stupid?"
And when you think it couldn't get any worse, there's this:
Money can buy lots of things, but it can't buy you vocal cords. However, it sure can purchase you the illusion that you have a good pair. But the better cliché that applies is "stick to what you're good at." We're not sure what Kim is good at, because sadly we didn't attend the same junior high, but singing isn't it. And that's a good start.
God knows how our life might have turned out if we kept hoping for the best runner to fall on the track or in life. Tell you what though: If Kim Kardashian is hoping the best pop singers in America are going to trip over their musical hurdles so she can emerge victorious, there's a better chance of Marion Jones getting back her gold medals.
Or Rocks Off clearing a hurdle at age 31.
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