KISS Merchandise The Band Hasn't Thought Of... Yet
KISS pulls back into Houston Friday night for a show over at Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, less than a year after their last Bayou City stop at the Toyota Center. We aren't really sure if this show will be much different than the one we saw in December, save for this time you should wear Off to ward off bugs.
Slain Pantera/Damageplan guitarist Dimebag Darrell was buried in a KISS casket. You may own a pair of KISS boxers you got as a stocking stuffer. More than likely, you are in the vicinity of someone who has a set of KISS shot glasses. KISS has made the equivalent of a small European country's gross domestic product with their strange line of items.
But what about all the stuff KISS hasn't made yet? Imagine if they moved on from normal band merchandise - not that a coffin is the exactly the norm or anything - and instead began moving into more permanent, lasting ways to waste your money. Rocks Off made up a list of dream KISS items we would like to see.
KISS Nuva Rings: Out with the old and in with the round, with KISS' new line of contraceptives. You've seen the KISS condoms on the racks and may have even used KISS' home vasectomy kit, but this is a new frontier in family planning. Ladies, simply insert the KISS Nuva Ring, available in your choice of KISS packaging, in your woman business and let Dr. Love do all the talking to your ovaries.
KISS Exorcism Kit: Everyone loves exorcisms these days, from television and movies, to their local neighborhoods weeding out undesirables. Using KISS' "Heaven's On Fire" Exorcism Kit, rid your family members or pets of their satanic possessors.
Detroit Rock City: Yes, KISS understands the plight of one of our country's most dilapidated cities and intends to do something about it. With a team of stateside and international investors, the band will legally aquire the entire Detro metro area and redub it Detroit Rock City. Restaurants, concert venues, theme parks, bars, hotels, resorts, brothels and a chain of KISS Marts will turn one of the most tarnished jewels in America into a prime destination for young and old.
KISS Makeup: It was only a matter of time that the boys would get into the makeup game. For almost 40 years they have been putting on the powder for you, so why not give a little back? Foundation, liquid eyeliner and removers are just the beginning. Working with top make-up stylists, KISS is rethinking how you put on mime makeup.
KISS Hospice: Losing a family member to a terminal disease is never easy. Watching them fade in a cold, sterile and un-rocking hospital is just as bad. Why not rock your way to the pearly gates at one of KISS' new HosKISS Hospice Centers? Soothing stringed versions of KISS hits like "Cold Gin" and "Beth" waft through your loved one's room as they gently pass into eternity. A team of nurses will also paint their face in the style of your favorite KISS member for when they greet the afterlife.
KISS Animals: Have you ever looked at your family dog or cat and thought, "Shit, I wished you looked like the Starchild, the Demon or Spaceman"? So have we. Working with a team of championship breeders, KISS is genetically-engineering animals to have KISS makeup ingrained into their tiny DNA strains. You will be the belle of the dog park when you and your golden retriever Strutter hit the track. He was made for ruff-ruffing you, baby!
KISS Training Bras: KISS knows it's hard for younger broads to grow up and, you know, develop. In the spirit of maturity, the band is ramping up work on "Christine Sixteen," a line of undergarments and other clothing for young girls. With a healthy dose of leather and lace, fashion should be in your face. Even if your parents weren't even born when Destroyer first came out.
KISS Tongue Implants: The old rumor going around was that Gene Simmons had a cow tongue grafted onto his for sexual and dramatic effect. It wasn't true, but it made a good story for the fan magazines. Today, Simmons is spearheading a new vision of the future, one where you can actually get another tongue grafted on your own. You can choose the length as well. Do you want to unbutton your shirt or just pick your own nose? The choice is yours.
KISS Schools: Our educational system is in ruins. No one wants to learn and no one wants to teach. It's like the world is made up of those dead-eyed kids from the "I Love It Loud" video. KISS wants to inject excitement, and maybe a little s-e-x for those of legal age, into learning. How many quarts is in a gallon of Gene's fake blood? How many times does Paul Stanley comb his hair during a gig? Who was president when Ace first got some nookie?
KISS Churches: It's been a long time coming, but finally Gene and the boys have decided that your religion is wrong. Where are the broads, the rock and the hummanah-hummanah, huh? KISS is getting into the church game with a new-look religion and a new attitude. Where other religions make you worship a dead man or a some bearded white guy in the sky, KISStianity is for the fans. Pray to yourself and shout it out loud, your savior is you and your wallet. Neil Strauss and Gene are currently writing a whole new Bible, coming Fall 2011.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene with music features, additional online music listings and show picks. We'll also send special ticket offers and music promotions available only to our Music Newsletter subscribers.