Rocks Off is pretty Lady Gaga-friendly, what with our covering July's concerts at Toyota Center like she was the goddamned Pope or something. For a few weeks there we managed to invoke her name at least once a day somehow. Maybe comparing her to Little Joe Washington was a stretch.
Unfortunately - actually, fortunately - we couldn't watch the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night to see any of the goings on. We were too busy at the Arena Theatre waiting for Huey Lewis and the News to not sing "Back In Time."
Among Lady Gaga's costume changes Sunday, which numbered three or four by our count, was a dress made of raw beef. Not unlike the suit she donned for her Terry Richardson-shot cover of Japanese Vogue, this one allowed for more movement and came with meat heels and a meat hat.
Monday morning the world was up in arms over the outfit, with people screaming about its lack of taste and tact, or applauding its innovation and boundary destruction. Now that the world is two years into the Gaga phenomenon, it's amazing to us that people are still being shocked - as if they expected her to be tame on an awards show.
The meat was in fact real, coming from the designer Franc Fernandez's family butcher, and by the looks of it, only held together with twine and ties. Gaga even managed to slip some trademark ass exposure into the back of the dress. Not that Rocks Off right-clicked and saved a picture of it or anything, or posted it on our personal Tumblr.
As for the smell, we can only imagine it smelled like the meat section at your local grocery store. Seems to us if people can wear animal fur, skin or those cowboy boots with snake heads on them you see at the flea market, why can't you wear raw meat?
You can cook it afterward, too. Wouldn't the heat kill the germs anyway? That's what we would keep telling ourselves.
Donuts would be kinda sexy, considering the scandalous peekaboo holes on them. You would leave just a little to the imagination to make the men go wild. Insert your own cop joke here if you want.
All you saucy pescatarians out there were probably howling at the television last night asking why Gaga wasn't wearing fish. It's true, fish would have been way more colorful than boring red flesh. Imagine a purse made of pet-store goldfish, heels with catfish heads on the toe, and a rainbow trout dress.
You could look like a flapper from the Roaring '20s dancing a step with your fella in a speakeasy while you gyrated to some hot jazz sounds while wearing a fringey number made of french fries.
Slather on the mayo and affix cold cuts all over your body. Personally, we would want our Lady to step out wearing with ham and cheese loaf, a childhood favorite.
Harkening to the recent Katy Perry promo shoot of the singer ensconced in the airy sugary goodness, a cotton-candy dress would be disastrous in the rain or high humidity. That and you would have an inordinate amount of carnies waiting in the wings with disposable cameras, chloroform and cubic zirconia rings waiting to wed you. Or assault you.
Get the individually-wrapped slices of American cheese, which would be easier to string together. A strapless number made of fake processed cheese. The red carpet puns would be worth it.
Burgers would make a good outfit yes, but where would you get those burgers and what would be on them? Gourmet burgers made of Kobe beef, or frozen White Castle jobs? You would be the belle of the High Times Ball. Hell, we wouldn't kick you out of bed.
If you used a few dozen five-dollar Subway sandwiches it would probably cost as much as an off the rack dress from a big-name designer. In the spirit of the sandwich chain, make sure to look pissed-off when someone asks you a simple question.
IHOP would have nothing on you, darling, in a slinky LBD made of pancakes, or flapjacks for you Yanks. At the end of the evening, lay in the tub and serve yourself to your party over coffee and cigarettes. Someone pass the butter pecan syrup.
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Nothing spells decadence like a chunky peanut butter. The messiest fashion choice in this list, you can strategically place the mashed peanut mixture on the naughty nutty bits and show off all your time at the gym with some organic no-stir butter on your killer abs and arms. Have your date wear a suit of grape jelly. You can thank us later.