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Lady Gaga's Imaginary Penis: Music's Best Sex Urban Legend Ever?

Lady Gaga's Imaginary Penis: Music's Best Sex Urban Legend Ever?
Marco Torres

Well, milady has come and gone, leaving in her wake a trail of Christ's blood and broken hearts. And a lot of people who couldn't get into the show having to make do with Kesha. Rocks Off was not among the anointed allowed to cover the concert, and we couldn't buy our way in because of that whole rent thing that is so popular today. Nonetheless, we've enjoyed watching Gaga from afar.

One of the things we love about Gaga is that she is the first superstar in a while to have a really great urban sex legend told about her. The story goes that Gaga has a vestigial or perhaps full functioning penis. Not just in a glass jar or something, but actually attached to that bluffin' muffin of hers. Evidence of this was an upskirt photo of her onstage with a supposed bulge in her drawers.

The thing that made this story so wonderful as a legend is that it could be true. One percent of live births results in ambiguous genitalia, and movements are on the rise against doctors performing corrective surgery on infants. So the possibility certainly exists. It's not true, though.

Gaga refused to comment publicly on the rumor for a while - she's no idiot when it comes to good marketing - but said point blank in an interview with Barbara Walters that the story was false. Since no one who has had a first hand look at milady without her clothes on has come forward to substantiate the claim, we can pretty much chalk this up to a possible, but ultimately empty urban legend.

But how does this stack up against the rock and roll's naughtier faux tales of old?

Lady Gaga's Imaginary Penis: Music's Best Sex Urban Legend Ever?

Marilyn Manson Has Ribs Removed To Enable Auto-Fellatio: If there is anyone Gaga's public style can be compared to, it's Marilyn Manson. No story was too out there to be disbelieved. He was an alleged puppy murderer, former child star, shunned Bible-camp youth - you name it. But the best story was that he had his two bottom ribs removed in order to do what God made groupies for.

Gaga wins this round for two reasons. One, it's an old story that was once told about Cher - though in her case the reason was to look thinner - and before that was attributed to Victorian women trying to fit into tiny corsets. Considering the fatality rate for amputation surgery in Victorian times, we can pretty much rule out any halfway intelligent person deciding against elective surgery. Two, we have all seen Brian Warner without a shirt. He's not sporting any scars.

One more reason, if you had to choose between blowing yourself or having Rose McGowan, Dita Von Teese or Evan Rachel Wood do it for you, which one would you choose? Utterly unbelievable. Gaga wins.

 

Lady Gaga's Imaginary Penis: Music's Best Sex Urban Legend Ever?

Rod Stewart Has Gallon of Semen Pumped from His Stomach: A man is rushed to the hospital after collapsing at a Rod Stewart concert afterparty. The doctors pump his stomach and end up with a gallon of semen. Surprised, they realize that the man they're working on is Rod Stewart himself.

This story has been told about Elton John, David Bowie and a score of others, but Stewart always seems to be the one who ends up hung with it the most. Jealousy? We don't know, but we're gonna have to give this one to Gaga as well, based once again on believability.

First off, a gallon of semen? A GALLON? Next time you're at the store, look at a gallon of milk, and imagine downing the whole thing at once. Also, bear in mind that the average male ejaculates about a tablespoon of semen. You're not talking about blowing a whole football team. Now you're talking about blowing a whole football league.

Finally, semen isn't toxic. There's no need to pump someone's stomach. Gaga wins, again.

Lady Gaga's Imaginary Penis: Music's Best Sex Urban Legend Ever?

Gene Simmons Has Cow Tongue Grafted Onto His Own: The legendary licker hanging out of the Demon's face is actually that of a cow.

Sigh... there are people who actually believe this, you know? Yes, we have successfully implanted animal organs into humans, so it's not technically beyond possibility, but as long as you're at the store staring at that gallon of milk and thinking about jism, swing by the deli and ask to look at the cow tongue.

Oh, they have 'em all right, and if you think any human being has had that enormous slab of ewww sewn into their mouth, then we have a bridge to sell you. Unfair as it is, Simmons' tongue is the work of Mother Nature alone, who we expect is waiting for the bassist to be laid in his KISS Kasket so that she may reap the rewards of her work in the afterlife.

Again, you'd have to be pretty helmeted to believe this one, so Gaga wins again. So whether you like her, loathe her, or masturbate screaming her name, it's pretty clear that we have a new legendary figure on our hands.

We wonder what won't be true about her next.


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