It was just six years ago that the world was in love with Lindsay Lohan, the grown-up child star of The Parent Trap and that year's Mean Girls. At the time, Craig's Hlist was dating a girl who forbade her visage at every turn - we were a Hilary Duff couple, and in her mind Lohan and Duff were apparently mortal enemies.
CL thought Mean Girls was very funny and showed that Lohan wasn't just a pretty face, but could actually make you laugh. She could even sing, sort of. Those statements would have meant a swift kick to the pants for us at one time.
But then Lohan's long downward slope of sans-panty paparazzi pics, cocaine, booze, dalliances with a list of major actors and an improbable lesbian courtship with celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson began. She would dye her trademark red hair black or blonde depending on a whim or whatever chemical strain she was on, and tarnished why Craig's Hlist even dug her in the first place.
The party ended last week, when a judge in Los Angeles sentenced Lohan to 90 days in county jail for not adequately keeping her part of the rehab bargain stemming from her numerous arrests and infractions. Six years from Mean Girls, she should be an A-list actress flirting with Oscars and not sleeping on a concrete cot and fighting chicks on her cell block for tampons. But that's where we are today.
We gathered a list (or hlist, as it were), of songs to get Lohan in the mood for her jail experience. May she not get hit in the face with a meal tray, and may her Valium prescription always be filled for all 90 days. Remember, Lindsay, kick someone's ass the first day there, and befriend a kindly black con who will get you posters and rock hammers.
Johnny Cash, "Folsom Prison Blues"
I hear that paparazzi train a-coming; it's rolling down the bend. I ain't seen the velvet rope since I don't know when...
Bobby Fuller Four, "I Fought The Law"
She tried to fight the law as much she could, even crying in court and writing "Fuck U" on her nails. But alas, the law had the last laugh. Seriously, who writes that on their nails if they're not in sophomore English class?
Skid Row, "18 and Life"
If you think about it, she really has been on lockdown since she turned 18. Tabloids, drugs, sexcapades, the party life. How horrific. She's like Nelson Mandela or something.
Otis Redding, "Chain Gang"
It would be pretty awesome to see Lohan cleaning up garbage or working a chain gang, sort of like Cool Hand Lohan. Any tarnished starlet playing grabass or fightin' in the building spends a night in the box.
Eric Clapton, "County Jail Blues"
If anyone knows about coke, its Mr. Slowhand. He even built his own rehab center.
Kool Keith, "Girls In Jail"
This song seems to be a prophetic vision of Lohan's life. Stole a Coach bag out of Macy's, that Benz you pulled up in you stole, needed big hustlers around everywhere you walk, a lot of Cristal, fake ballers poppin' corks. Jesus, Keith is like from the Bible or something.
Jimmie Rodgers, "In The Jailhouse Now"
Someone give Lohan an acoustic guitar, so she can write sad music and come out like a grizzled troubadour. With that scratchy voice, maybe a second career as a female Tom Waits would suit her well.
Craig's Hlist never planned on ever putting any Sublime on any of his lists, but we couldn't pass this one up. It fits her California-girl lifestyle, and those chicks never met a surf-reggae song they didn't like. Plus, those kids think they are all political prisoners of some sort anyway.
Thin Lizzy, "Jailbreak"
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There's still a chance Lohan could make a break for it before her July 20 jail date. Though we think she may be easy to spot with the freckles and sneer. Knowing her she might put on a fake moustache and try to pass as Danny Bonaduce.
The Clash, "Jail Guitar Doors"
Clang clang, go the jail guitar doors. Keep your head up Lindsay. We still wanna see you play Linda Lovelace in that biopic when you get out of the clink. Really bad.