Lone Star Scorecard: "That's Right (You're Not From Texas)," "Texas Flood" and "Blind In Texas"

Lone Star Scorecard: "That's Right (You're Not From Texas)," "Texas Flood" and "Blind In Texas"

There are thousands of songs about Texas, most of which manage to get some aspect of "it" right about our great state: It's big, for starters, and often seems composed of equal parts wide open spaces, comely women and Lone Star Beer. Cram any two of those elements into a song and you'll probably get at least a month's worth of KKBQ airplay. And then there are those tunes that, for whatever reason, don't quite hit the nail on the head. Maybe there are too many references to Corpus Christi, or a description of Gulf waters as "blue," or a fond reminiscence of Dallas... whatever. The Lone Star Scorecard is designed to correct these inaccuracies, even - as is the case this week - at the expense of some of our most respected artists.

Lyle Lovett, "That's Right (You're Not From Texas): Case in point: Lyle Lovett is a national treasure, or will be when Gov. Rick Perry follows through on his threats to secede. And while this cut off 1996's The Road to Ensenada is indeed catchy, it overlooks the fact that there are certain individuals that Texas doesn't really want. Specifically:

Ted Nugent

BMW drivers with "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers

Conor Oberst

Julia Roberts

Anyone who attends a Texas high school and then plays football for Oklahoma or USC

Bud Adams

Whoever invented Mr. Pibb

Terrell Owens

Anyone named "Ike"

ESPN's Bill Simmons

Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble, "Texas Flood": While the lines about "flooding down in Texas" and telephone lines being down have some historical accuracy, it's been far from true for quite a while now. One-third of the state in now in either "extreme" or "exceptional" drought, and SRV's adopted hometown of Austin could certainly use some of those "flood waters a rollin'."

W.A.S.P., "Blind in Texas": We'll take Blackie Lawless' word that he found decent "Dallas whiskey" and even three-for-a-dime "highballs in Houston" (this was 20 years ago, remember), but we're drawing the line at the inclusion of Waco on his itinerary of intoxication. Unless his blindness was the result of some Jake Elwood-style religious awakening.

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