Metal's 10 Least Sexy Songs
Overall, metal can be a pretty sexy genre as far as rock and roll goes. But for every home run, there are some serious strikeouts — and the occasional no-hitter. We've compiled a list of ten metal songs that are guaranteed to keep you sober, grounded and abstinent should you try to woo your partner with these. In any case, you could use them to ward off unwanted advances because no one would ever take these as seductive siren songs, or we would at least hope not.
10. REVOLTING COCKS, “Do You Think I’m Sexy?”
Not sure exactly where this train wreck derailed, but somewhere between lead singer Chris Connelly's monotone voice and the thorazine-slow shuffle-shimmy, this song is, well, revolting. There are provocative lyrics; they just don’t rise to the sexy stratosphere — more like lying limp in a big, old flaccid puddle.
9. WINGER, “Seventeen”
The sweet musings of jailbait temptation by guys with a personal collection of hairspray and spandex large enough to compete with that of a teenage girl. Thank heavens there are laws to protect underage girls from predators, creeps and the occasional pedophile rockstar. Who knows? Maybe the members of Winger could share hair and makeup tips as they write young girls back and forth from jail.
8. KISS, “Nothin’ to Lose”
Ah, the ever-elusive back door, the holy grail of heteronormative copulation. Perhaps this song is meant to inspire more women to explore alternative routes on the pleasure highway, or maybe it’s just some alpha-male smug rock-star bravado bragging about manipulating his girl into anal. Either way, KISS is fun in a Pontiac Firebird-'70s kitsch way, but seductively? No.
7. WARRANT, “Cherry Pie”
Body parts as food are funny, as any prepubescent middle schooler well-versed in the double entendre can tell you. (Insert clam/bubblegum/taco jokes here.) Yet there’s something about being called by a body part that is not only insulting but just unflattering. Imagine if we lost the delectable cherry pie euphemism and just shouted the chorus with anatomically correct verbiage: “She’s my va-gi-na! She’s my birth can-al! or He's my test-i-cles!” Just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
6. CANNIBAL CORPSE (Anything)
Really, anything….gore metal doesn’t exactly lend itself to romantic notions in any way. In fact, it’s safe to say that themes like mutilation, murder and cannibalism are probably pretty unsexy. If this kind of fodder moves you, well, then, you might want to talk to someone professionally about that.
5. W.A.S.P., "Fuck Like a Beast"
The lyrics are about rape. We’re done. If that's not good enough, try Manowar's "Pleasure Slave," Thy Art Is Murder's "Whore to a Chainsaw" or dozens of other songs about rape and murder. Not exactly what we would call "booty music."
4. WHITESNAKE, “Here I Go Again”
While there are probably thousands of babies conceived to this pop-metal '80s anthem who are now (gulp) adult age, the sex appeal just hasn't kept up, so to speak. We get it. Cars and women. Women on cars. Synthesizers. Women rolling around on cars while parked in a parking garage. Hair flipping. Slow fades and sunsets. Yep, here we go again. No, thanks.
3. G.G. Allin, "Carmelita"
Allin was not exactly sexy, and neither were his lyrics or vomit-inducing stage antics. In fact, retrospectively looking over this artist's life and musical contribution, I just feel enormous pity. R.I.P. G.G.
2. BRUTAL JUICE, “Kentucky Fuck Daddy”
Metal is often praised because it has no boundaries, but as Texas's own Brutal Juice suggests, maybe boundaries are good things, especially when dealing with incestuous family workings....especially when the lyrics scream, "So tight, so tight..."
1. RAMMSTEIN, “Pussy”
Maybe it's the "Sch"-heavy German accents, the strange porn culture of western Europe or maybe just the creepy vibe that lead singer Till Lindemann evokes when he stares into the camera. Either way, "Pussy" leaves us cross-legged and frigid.