We're getting closer to a midterm election that, more and more, is coming to resemble two dachshunds we had as a kid who would lose their little doggy minds over a chew toy and attack each other in a weiner-dog whirlwind until separated by a garden hose.
The attack ads are a-flying, and every time we hear a good buzzword, we think about what a good band name it would make. Here's another four for the dozens of you who weren't satiated with Part I.
SERIES OF TUBES
The Event: Late Senator Ted Steven of Alaska was trying to help us out. He really was. The Alaskan Republican was very vocal in criticizing an amendment to a bill that would have allowed Internet service providers the option to get higher priority access for a fee.
This is the kind of thing that advocates of Net neutrality are always on guard against, and Stevens was right out in front trying to tear that amendment several new assholes. Unfortunately, his somewhat nonsensical analogy of the Internet as a series of tubes became fodder for The Daily Show and hundreds of blogs, and birthed the slang term "Intertubes" for the net itself.
The Band: There's not one, but if there was, Series of Tubes would definitely be industrial. But not like stompy Skinny Puppy industrial. It would be more like a hipster, smug kind of industrial. There would be lattes perched precariously on Korg keyboards, and scarves to go with the bondage pants. One of the members would have read William Gibson's Neuromancer way too many times.
Hit Single: "Matrices on Valentine's Part C"
CLING TO THEIR BIBLES AND GUNS
The Event: Our president is not the walking gaffe machine that his predecessor was. He leaves that to the vice-president, mostly as a form of assassination insurance, but like all humans he sometimes says things he maybe should just think. At a closed-door session in San Fransisco during his campaign, Obama answered a question about why he wasn't doing better in Pennsylvania.
His response was that tough economic times had made the people there scared and bitter. They "cling to their Bibles and guns," and are afraid of people who are black, or gay, or Muslim. This was widely seen as an example of Harvard intellectual elitism, and even from someone who voted for the guy we think that it was a little un-called for. He still carried the state in November.
The Band: There isn't one, but if there were... we're actually kind of torn on this one. On one hand, we kind of expect some short-lived ultra-nationalistic country act in the shadow of Toby Keith brazenly proclaiming their love of bullets and Bibles. On the other hand, can't you just see some kid in a button-down playing acoustic guitar over some ambient tracks?
He'd sing songs about the working man, but in a hellishly personal and self-deprecating way that would touch people's hearts. "Where's the rest of ya band?" the audience would ask. "It's just me," he would say. "It's just what I call myself." "We don't understand," they would moan, and cry silently into the night.
Hit Single: "Jesus Spent Three Days Reloading" or "Fast Train on my Track Marks."
The Event: As we said, George W. Bush was perhaps the greatest president of all time... in the realm of saying things that would come back to haunt him. We always thought the man would have kept up a hell of a Livejournal because of this.
However, almost nothing he ever said would be thrown back at him more than when he stood on an aircraft carrier and proclaimed Iraq a "Mission Accomplished." Seven years and a whole lot of dead people later, our troops are finally leaving the country. Maybe he meant, like, the first level is accomplished, and now it was time to go down the pipe and cheat our way through via Warp Zone.
The Band: There is one, and frankly, it's not what we were expecting at all. Mission Accomplished is an acoustic emo act out of Jersey City. It's not bad if you like listening to someone who sounds like Jandek is purposely avoiding sounding like.
Hit Single: "Breathe Something"
I'M NOT A WITCH, I'M YOU
The Event: Insane people run for high office all the time, they just don't usually don't get anywhere. This year, though, the Republican Party nominated Christine O'Donnell to run for a senate seat in Delaware, and frankly we have talked to people on three-day cocaine binges who made more sense than this wackaloon.
She was an advocate against masturbation for many years, and there are more people in favor of using newborn babies for volleyballs than there are in favor of criminalizing playing with yourself. She also admitted to have dabbled in witchcraft due to having some weird friends. Having been one of those weird friends that enjoyed leading people down the left-hand path for shits and Skittles, Rocks Off totally would have tried to get her to a black mass just for the sheer unholy hilarity of it.
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When a clip of her admitting this went public, she responded with an ad saying, "I'm Not a Witch, I'm You," thereby proving that she has no idea who she is talking to.
The Band: There's not one. It's just too soon. However, if there was one, you know that our own Deanna Haughey - currently fronting Judith Priest; formerly fronting The Sinister Sirens - would be fronting it!
Hit Single: "Here's Where the Broomstick Goes"
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.