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Mommy's Little Monster: Songs To Remind You That Children are Inherently Evil

Mommy's Little Monster: Songs To Remind You That Children are Inherently Evil

Like you, as Rocks Off grows older we have to come to terms with the fact that many of our friends are having children. Usually we can just scroll quickly past the offspring-related Facebook updates or send those 12-MB emails containing brood photos into the Trash folder unread. No harm, no foul. But the holiday season presents additional challenges: Christmas cards featuring toddlers resplendent in their reindeer sweaters grimace out at us from every other envelope, TV commercials are chock-full of smiling rugrats opening fire trucks and Malibu Barbies in front of a $200 fake Douglas fir, and the last two weeks of the year are crowded with family gatherings where you'll probably end up getting your ass repeatedly handed to you in Super Mario Kart by your mocking nine-year-old cousin. We feel your pain, people. So as you're loading up the car with Jack Daniels and an extra carton of Camels, take a listen to a few songs that portray children not as precious angels, but as the sociopathic cretins they often are.

Social Distortion, "Mommy's Little Monster" While the account of the methedrine-shooting, sexually active 15-year-old is a bit disquieting, what exactly is wrong with the twentysomething who pays his rent with unemployment? Quit trying to roll back welfare benefits, you fascists.

The Bolshoi, "Happy Boy" "A Way" was the song all the girls would ignore us to at the club, but every self-respecting adolescent boy with a bad haircut in 1985 empathized with the "blew my family clean away" sentiment. Even those of us with relatively pleasant home lives.


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