Movin' Out: Songs That Will Scare Off Bad Roommates
Often times in our young adult lives, we come across a roommate who initially seems like a good match. They're capable of paying their rent on time and seem nice enough, so the possibility of your living arrangements blossoming into a sitcom looks fair.
Then in a month's time, the Friends roommate you always wanted, Rachel, turns into a creepy, controlling Phoebe-Monica hybrid, or Joey turns out to be closer to Sophia from Golden Girls. It seems like no one can have the perfect roommate, but who says you can't conduct trial-and-error experiments until you find the right one?
We've put together some songs that you can play at high decibels to drown out the sound of your roommates' activities, get them out of your personal space, or at least get them to reconsider their living arrangement - unless, of course, your roommates are your parents.
If that's the case, we can't really help you. You just need to substitute Maury and Steve Wilkos with an afternoon shift at Long John Silver's. Anyways, here's our list, organized by type of grievance.
"YOU ALWAYS PLAY THE MOST OBNOXIOUS SONGS"
Sabrina Carpenter: The De-Tour
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Vengaboys, "We Like To Party": Let your roommate know that the Venga bus is coming with a lot of ecstacy and glow sticks. Happiness is just around the corner.
John Scatman, "Scatman": We painstakingly searched the YouTube archives for this precious gem, and assure you that it will be worth the treasure hunt.
Das Racist, "Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell": This may sound like a catchy song at first, but by the third listen it's seizure-inducing. Play it once every day and the roommate is bound to visit his or her parents for the weekend.
La Bouche, "Sweet Dreams": Time to stop using this song "ironically" and start using it to do something useful like repel other people.
Millionaires, "Alcohol": LET'S GET FUCKED UP, BETCHHHHHHH
DMX "What's My Name": Master your DMX impression; we have. Don't forget the bark.
Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti, "Are You Going To Look After My Boys?": Extra points if you show your roommate the video and try to discuss its implicit artistic value.
Scapegoat Wax, "Aisle 10 (Hello Allison)": This tactic is easy to execute: Just pick a song with your name in it, or make yourself a theme song and play it anytime you're getting ready to go somewhere. We've been testing this one out for about a month now and the results have been pretty positive, probably because this specific grocery-store stalking song is so horrendous.
"THE SONGS YOU PLAY ARE OFFENSIVE"
Meredith Brooks, "Bitch": Don't get it twisted, this song is annoying to everyone - even those who aren't ex-boyfriends or people with ears.
Dead Kennedys, "Let's Lynch the Landlord"
Three 6 Mafia, "Let's Plan A Robbery": These two go hand-in-hand on a hypothetical to-do list.
Cam'ron, "Fuck You": A lesser-known Cam'ron joint, Killa lists anyone who's wronged him and proceeds to give them the F-U.
Limp Bizkit, "Nookie": We don't know what's more offensive than the lyrics: Fred Durst's balding, bleached-blonde head, or the fact that he ever got any "nookie" at all with that stupid red hat.
Z-Ro, "I Hate U Bitch"
"I HATE THAT BAND SO MUCH"
Nickelback, "How You Remind Me": Any of these comparable bands is also acceptable: Hinder, 3 Doors Down, Creed, or Linkin Park The key is listening for the all-American, Eddie Vedder-bellowing lead singer.
Hoobastank, "Crawling In The Dark"
Coheed & Cambria, "Junesong Provision"
Disturbed, "Down With the Sickness"
Mest, "Cadillac": Did you forget about this band? Maybe. Did you even hear about this band? Maybe not. You might be like us and have their complete five-year discography in your iTunes... everyone's different. (Don't live with us. Ever.)
Destiny's Child, "Bugaboo": This one is specific to the roommates who walk in your room uninvited and stand there chatting about how much their cat hates baths.
Dead Kennedys, "Stealing People's Mail": A loud and blatant way to let your roommate know that you spend your Friday nights stealing people's mail.
Kreayshawn, "Bumpin, Bumpin'": "Can I spend the night at your house?" NO.
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