Muppet Justin Bieber = World Gonna End
Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!
Thankfully we've been able to wean the Kid With One F off Dora the Explorer and onto the infinitely less annoying Sesame Street lately. No cartoon is ever going to top anything birthed by Jim Henson, plus we get to ogle the fifth hottest woman on children's television.
So there we were enjoying yet another program sponsored by the letter B and the number 7 when the unthinkable happened. A Muppetized version of Justin Bieber walked onto the screen, kicked a hole in our soul, and sang a duet with Elmo. We mean, we want the kid to learn about measuring shrimp - that's a very important part of life after all - but is it really necessary to use Mr. Rape Happens for a Reason to teach that skill?
We knew, we just knew that somewhere in the 22 chapters of the Book of Revelation this had to be alluded to. It must be a sign that the end is nigh. It wasn't easy, but we think we've pinpointed the passage that positively proves we will never say never again. Here's Johnny...
And they sing the song of Moses the servant of God, and the song of the Lamb, saying, Great and marvellous are thy works, Lord God Almighty; just and true are thy ways, thou King of saints.
Who shall not fear thee, O Lord, and glorify thy name? for thou only art holy: for all nations shall come and worship before thee; for thy judgments are made manifest.
And after that I looked, and, behold, the temple of the tabernacle of the testimony in heaven was opened.
We were warned.
The name Justin is Roman in origin, and is derived from Justus, literally "One who is just." What's clearly happening in this passage is that someone named Justin, a singer, will be the final creation of God before he shakes this damn Etch-a-Sketch and starts over.
No less an authority than the Church Lady reported straight from God's beard that Bieber was considered his masterpiece, his David, his Paul's Boutique. If we can't trust the Church Lady, who can we trust?
So what's happens next? Well, angels should be heading out to turn rivers to blood, kingdoms to darkness, and air into the Lord's P.A. system. There will be thunder, lightning, encores by the Biebs, and just generally a whole lot of the world ending in pain and suffering.
And lo, once all is quiet ("Good night Earth! You've been a great audience") the just and the Just will retire to a great city of carefully measured dimensions. There for sure we will find Elmo himself, herald of Bieber, using the quantifying skills he sang about with Bieber to make sure that Paradise is exactly as was foretold. Seriously, that's what the whole 21st chapter is about.
Elmo has betrayed us.
Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.