Musicians: Five Reasons Your Girlfriend Hates You
For ladies dating dudes in bands, life can get rough. You are either seen as a trophy or a hindrance to his true rock and roll dreams, arm candy and not the actual real live human being you in fact are. Depending on how successful his band is, your man is constantly the focal point of dozens or even thousands of other women who don't know or particularly care that he is with you.
On top of that, band membership very much nurtures the Peter Pan aesthetic, so all those domesticating trips to Ikea and the times you made him wear a napkin at dinner become moot after your man spends a few weeks on the road with his bandmates. Dating a music journalist, on the other hand, is awesome. We almost never sleep with anyone and have a ghostly white-pallor from sitting inside all day on the computer, but you get free concert tickets. Sometimes. On the downside, we make really overwrought playlists.
Rocks Off talked to several Houston women who know what it's like to be the girlfriend or wife of someone in a band; responses ranged from hilarious rage to outright annoyance. Before you decide to pick up that guitarist or drummer, be sure to read this blog. It may save you time, money, a few months of hassle and maybe even a broken heart. These ladies remain safely anonymous, but their comments are verbatim.
1. AFTER YOU PLAY, YOU GET SLUTTY... AND YOU SMELL
"Don't get drunk at your show to 'be a better performer' and then try to come on to me. Yes, we're dating, but that doesn't give you an excuse to be an ass to me at your show."
"I have to smell his stank ass all the way home after a gig. When he tries to kiss me, I get his gnarly beard sweat all over my face. Then I have to smell it because its all over me."
"He's always sweaty and smelly after he plays and he refuses to take a shower. I don't want to fuck you when you're gross like that."
"He liked his booze and may or may not have wet the bed, with me in it, on several occasions."
2. YOUR BANDMATES SUCK
"There is always one member that is a total douche bag. He is the shit, the best, and you better listen to him, cuz if you don't - be ready for threats of being kicked out of the band or replaced. He is always right, does not want your opinion, and is usually not that great of a musician, but he doesn't know that."
"If something happens between the couple (girl and guy in band), the band is out for you. They talk shit, or just all-out ignore you - even if you still dropped $20 to get into some shitty dive club to see them play. Apparently a fight with the BF in the band is a fight with the whole band."
"Just because I am dating you does not mean I should be friends with all the other girlfriends of the guys in the band. Plus, most of us hate each other from fighting over dudes in better bands than yours."
3. YOU BLAME ME FOR THE BAND BREAKUP
"My recent boyfriend left his band a few months back to work and go to school full time. I was then dubbed 'Yoko' even though I had nothing to do with him leaving the band. In reality, it was the opposite, and I sold more tickets to their shows myself than the rest of the band combined."
"Do I need to go repeat the fact that I was frequently referred to as 'Yoko' by his bandmates?"
"Yes, you are right, I am the reason that your shitty indie band broke up. It's not at all because the lead singer stabbed someone or you couldn't make it to gigs because I had to drive you around to shows."
4. YOU ARE A CHEATER AND A SCUMBAG
"For almost three years, we dated totally long-distance since he was always on the road for the next show. Every show I went to, there were always girls that were there on the front row dressed scantily, hoping to catch his attention, which he enjoyed.
I didn't mind as long as he didn't touch. He was only human, right? Into the third year, I start hearing rumors from mutual friends and people that go to his shows about how he's hooking up with random chicks at shows, and he's gotten into some heavy drugs. I was a bit surprised by this, since we had always been honest with each other.
I asked him about it all. He admitted to the drugs, but denied the girls saying, 'I'm always faithful to you, babe...' I broke up with him, and every time he was in town for a while he'd try to booty-call me but I'd had enough and quit answering his calls and texts."
"Fucking groupies, go away."
"Good job on banging that girl at the all-ages show, bro. Lucky for me, she posted pics of you guys making out on Facebook."
"I dated the singer in my brother's old band after my brother clearly told both of us to stay away from each other. My brother was far from happy when he figured out that we were seeing each other, and I was far from happy when I found out he was actually dating his knocked up girlfriend as well.
The whole thing was a hot mess. I have no idea how the guy managed to string us both along through band practices we were all at and shows we all went to. That dude is in the top three worst guys I have ever dated. Ever."
5. YOUR MUSIC SUCKS
"I love music and really enjoy the opportunity to support someone I care about and actually have a good time. It sucks to have to go to something you don't want to because your partner is a part of it and you think it is lame."
"That song you wrote about me was painfully not about me at all."
"He also thought he was a badass with a microphone. He sucked."
"We all know you're only playing the part of the sensitive-singer-songwriter to get girls. You're not even very good at it, and the women that fall for it are idiots."
"I'm not avoiding your shows to be the 'cool girlfriend' who doesn't care about the attention you're receiving. Don't get me wrong, I don't care. I'm really avoiding your shows because your jam band is fucking terrible and I'd rather get alcohol poisoning on any given night you're playing Scout Bar."
"Please stop playing your shitty acoustic love songs after sex. It's not cute."
"And you playing 'Hey There Delilah' doesn't count as cute, romantic or even musically talented."
"If I'm going to support you, support me."
"The closer we get to gig night, the more he practices. He'll go from practicing two nights a week at two hour clips to practicing about six nights a week until the wee hours of the morning, which means we hardly get to spend any time together. He also gets practically zero sleep and turns into a clumsy, grumpy zombie."
"You know when you look into the washing machine during the spin cycle how you can never pick just one item out since they all blur together? It's like that. Confusing, a bit disconcerting and there's always a lot going on."
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