Music's 15 Gnarliest Moustaches
Moustaches are all the rage these days. From shirts to snow globes, rides, wax and tattoos, everyone wants a moustache or at least to support the cause. Rocks Off even has a moustache. When it was longer we combed it while driving or lounging, much to the chagrin of the people around us.
Certain sacrifices must be made to have a moustache. There's the upkeep, keeping it trim and clean, free of food and liquids. Not all women like kissing a moustache either, and it tickles their noses, or they get stray hairs in their mouths. You have to pick what style you want to rock, be it the handlebar, the pencil 'stache, or the Brimley. Also inherently you run the risk of looking like a pedophile or Adolf Hitler if you wear it wrong.
Musicians have had some of the best moustaches ever, behind Major League pitchers and relievers and John Waters. For rockers they become their own trademarks along the way. You can't imagine the most iconic artists without theirs and sometimes your subconscious will convince you that their music sounds better because they have a moustache. Maybe that's just us.
You just know that Freddie had a moustache stylist on tour who kept his trimmer in a little gilded box near him at all times. He only wanted the best.
During the course of writing this blog, we read that Zappa's estate actually copyrighted his moustache. So if you have a Zappa 'stache, you owe Dweezil, Ahmet, Moon Unit and Diva Muffin a few bucks.
We want a Skunk Baxter 'stache one day. We know we can have one because it's in our genetic code. Just give us time.
Oates' moustache kinda sucked, but it was fun to look at when coupled with his Afro. How did he get laid in the group's heyday? He must have been hung like Milton Berle.
Ever see picture of Crosby when he was in prison without a 'stache? It's gross. It's like seeing your father naked.
Ford had a debonair ass 'stache. It didn't need to go all over his face to get the point over on anyone. It was there, take it or leave it.
Even until his death in 1998, Bono's moustache rolled hard. It was probably the nicest 'stache in the music business, in terms of demeanor. He had a Ned Flanders one that looked like it would hold your hand when you were sick and gave out the good candy, like Reese's cups, on Halloween.
We had a girlfriend that Jesse kissed onstage and his red moustache left sweat and hair all over her face. It ruled so hard.
Samson is the only female on this list. The Le Tigre member and DJ started growing her 'stache out early in her career as an empowerment tool. We must say, hers is better than some of the sorry male excuses for 'staches walking around Houston.
The former Hold Steady keyboardist has the mother of all handlebars. He probably uses a tube of wax a day on that bastard too. We saw it live and in person a few months back when he came through as a touring member of Against Me!
Remember when Sam's Town was coming out and Flowers grew a little soup-strainer? It actually gave the album credence in our minds, as if he meant the lyrics more. That's messed up.
Bordello sounds better because of Hutz's face. His moustache moves with him and his hair. It's a member of the band. It gets royalties. Vice Magazine should ask it to be a guest columnist.
Sometimes we think that Little Richard glued or painted his moustache on. It looks unreal. Maybe they come prepackaged from the same place John Waters gets his.
The Edge was what we call the "asskicker", a moustache built more for pool hall brawls and hauling feed down county roads rather than playing back-to-back with Bono under a claw.
The Husker Du bassist (guess which one, above) had a regal 'stache all through the Du's history. He still sports it today, albeit a less ostentatious version of its former glory. Mike Watt also has a 'stache of the same caliber as well, but his comes and goes.
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