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Music's Top 12 "Boner-Killers"

Music's Top 12 "Boner-Killers"

The writers at Rocks Off are huge fans of boners, and we look for every excuse we can to write about them. We love terms like trouser snake and meat thermometer, and we're not afraid to say so, because boners are awesome. Even with half of the writers of this list sporting only X chromosomes, we'll still raise our boner-flags high and proclaim our love for all things stiff.

It's for that reason, and that reason alone, that we're bringing you this list on the top musical boner killers. We want to protect the boner, not kill it. And oh, how easily some mood music can kill it. So light the candles, throw on some tunes, and get to work, son. Just don't use any of these songs as your soundtrack, or it's all downhill boner from there. ANGELICA LEICHT

Adele, "Someone Like You" Look, I like Adele as much as the next guy. More, even. Her voice is great, and I enjoy most of her songs. Hell, I still listen to the much-lauded 21 regularly. But "Someone Like You" is just plain creepy.

I'm not sure if it's because no one was paying attention to the lyrics, but I'm still shocked at the song's popularity. Whenever I hear it, stalker ex-girlfriends come to mind, and I can't help but shudder. Undoubtedly a boner-killer. MATTHEW KEEVER

Bryan Adams, "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" A friend of mine has this on her summer playlist, the one she intends to share with people. I'm trying as hard as I can to stop her. Just... what the fuck are you thinking, Cheryl. [Note: "Cheryl" is not her real name.] JOHN SEABORN GRAY

Crazy Town, "Butterfly" I have what some might classify as an unnatural hatred for this song. On a logical level I understand why it was a hit, but the emotional part of me just can't comprehend. Everything about it is terrible, including that awful music video.

When it comes on, it's like being reminded of an ex you'd rather not think of, except this ex is a period of time where people where dumb enough to let this band get popular, and thinking of your ex is a total boner killer. CORY GARCIA

Death Cab For Cutie, "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" I personally love Death Cab For Cutie and Ben Gibbard, but I can't imagine things getting hot and heavy after this track comes on. It's a sweet song, and the sentiment isn't lost on me. In fact, it never fails to remind me of my parents, who have been married for 26 years. If that's not an instant boner killer, then I don't know what is. ALYSSA DUPREE

Jagged Edge, "Let's Get Married" I never understood why this song was even made. When I'm up in da club, the last thing I want to dance to is a song that says, "We ain't getting no younger, we might as well do it." First of all, that line is extremely sad and pathetic.

Secondly, who wants to grind to the lyrics, "Meet me at the altar in your white dress?" Gross. This song actually makes me NOT want to dance. OR get married. SELENA DIERINGER

Joan Osborne, "One Of Us" I have no idea why this track would be on the "Intercourse, Of Course" playlist, but Joan Osborne's 1995 hit "One of Us" sounds like a bad idea for sexytime. The song imagines God being like us and doing everything we do, including the illegal-in-four-states activities you may be participating in with your love interest/one-night-stand/unwitting victim.

Are you prepared to envision the deity of your choice going "Fifty Shades Darker"? Or taking the walk of shame back to the Halls of Glory? Please people, do all you can to maintain the separation of church and state of arousal. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.

 

Music's Top 12 "Boner-Killers"

Mariah Carey, "Hero" (thanks, Nick Cannon!) So Mariah Carey's music has never been especially sexy to me, but Nick Cannon killed any sort of sleazy Mariah Carey-as-a-soundtrack ideas I could have had during his 2012 interview with Howard Stern, when he stated that he takes care of his own boner business while "Hero" plays in the background.

Not only does that make me gag a lil bit, but really, dude? "Hero" is not the one. "Shake It Off," however, would have made much more sense. And now that song is the ultimate boner killer, because the mental picture was unnecessary at best. ANGELICA LEICHT

Sarah McLachlan, "Angel" This song is a downer in its own right. Written after Smashing Pumpkins' keyboardist, Jonathan Melvoin, overdosed on heroin, the lyrics reference addiction and death, and it's often used at funerals. But now McLachlan is the official spokesperson for the ASPCA and abused animals, and no home is safe from this song.

So the next time you're thinking about getting some on the couch, turn the TV off or turn a movie on. That is, unless you're the soulless type who isn't affected by it. Shame on you. ALYSSA DUPREE

Music's Top 12 "Boner-Killers"

Pixies, "Bagboy" You know what, never mind. There is no new Pixies song. You hear me? THE PIXIES DID NOT RELEASE ANY NEW MATERIAL THIS YEAR. JOHN SEABORN GRAY

Toadies, "Possum Kingdom" If your favorite station is The Buzz, better to go silent and let her hear the scraping of your unclipped toenails against the sheets than risk hearing Toadies' "Possum Kingdom." It's The Buzz. They'll play it eventually. When they do, your good time's coming to a screeching halt, like Ted Bundy's car screeched to a halt at the end of abandoned roads with bodies.

Because this song starts with sexy, dangerous talk, but ends with "Do you wanna die?!" being shouted repeatedly. It's so frightening it'll make an orgasm bolt through the woods and onto the highway to flag down help. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.

"U of H Fight Song (feat. Slim Thug, Bun B & Paul Wall) The University of Houston fight song, featuring Slim Thug, Bun B and Paul Wall, is a boner killer for a number of reasons. First, I can only imagine what it would be like to be hooking up with someone, only for a brass-heavy school anthem to begin playing.

That's got to be about as awkward as these rappers' voices sound on this track. Besides that, it was released just before the Cougars' first and only loss of the 2011 season, so it doesn't just kill boners, it kills coaching strategy too. MATTHEW KEEVER

Vanessa Carlton, "A Thousand Miles" I have gone on record saying this is my least favorite song of all time. Nothing about this song is good and everything about it kills any kind of lady-boner I might have. Carlton's overwrought, contrived, and pushed breathy singing actually makes me physically uncomfortable. The inane lyrics and faux romanticism?

In a word, BLECH. If you love this song, we can never make out. SELENA DIERINGER



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