My Friend Called Me Dumb. Help!
Photo by Jeff Fitlow
MY FRIEND CALLED ME DUMB
Dear Willie D:
For ten years I defended my friend whenever anyone tried to berate her character. A few days ago we were on the phone and she told me she would call me back because she was about to talk with another one of our friends about getting their boys together for a sleepover.
Since I was working around the house, I just tossed my phone on the sofa expecting her to hang up, but she never did. When I grabbed my phone a few minutes later to check a text message, I realized she was still on the phone, and I got an earful. I heard her say that I was about to lose my job (something she promised to keep secret), and she called me dumb because I failed the bar exam three times as a law student before giving up.
I want to confront her, but I need to know what to say. I want her to know how much she hurt me and that our friendship is over, effective immediately. By the way, I’m a 25-year-old female.
I could possibly forgive a friend for telling a mutual friend the secret of me losing my job, but if a friend called me dumb behind my back I would definitely kick her to the curb. Calling someone dumb is a form of emotional abuse. That’s like saying you’re worthless. Personally, I wouldn’t waste a molecule of energy on confronting her. I would just vanish from her life, and maintain friendships with people who can appreciate me for who I am without degrading me.
But if a face-to-face encounter will make you feel better, tell her this: Yeah bitch, I overheard you on the phone calling me dumb. I guess I am dumb; dumb for defending your ungrateful snake-in-the-grass ass for all those years when people talked down on you. From here out, don’t call my phone, don’t come to my house, don’t make any attempts to reconcile with me, and keep my name out your mouth, you dried-up piece of dog shit.
If you need any more colorful insults, just holler. I got plenty.
I DON’T WANT TO END UP LIKE MY MOM
Dear Willie D:
I’m a 26-year-old law student who, over the Thanksgiving holiday last year, got into a fight with my mom because I complained to her about doing all the cooking while my dad sat around watching football games and drinking beer all day. Once we started arguing, I realized there was a lot of pent-up anger inside of me from years of watching my mom slave over hot stoves and cleaning up behind my dad.
She reasoned that my dad and she made an agreement before I was born, and they were married 27 years ago, that he would take care of the finances and she would take care of home. I will give her credit that she did a good job raising me, but many of her ways are antiquated and I told her that. In response, she called me ungrateful and hasn’t spoken to me since.
Being an only child and a female, I guess I am spoiled and a bit ungrateful at times, but I find it hard to respect women who do everything for men and put their lives on hold. Am I wrong for not wanting to end up like my mom?
No, you’re not wrong for not wanting to end up like your mother. You shouldn’t want to end up like anyone but yourself. I know you probably think your life is “all that” and it may be, but your mom probably don’t want to end up like you either. That’s why she chose a different lifestyle.
I’m not saying women who want to work shouldn’t, but I know from experience: if a woman is working full-time, although she may be able to do some motherly and wifely things, when she comes home her time is limited and she is often stressed out. I know of many career women who, if given the opportunity to scale back their job duties or quit altogether to spend more time with their families, would jump at the chance. However, they don’t have that luxury.
But forget what I think. Your mom is living the life she wants to live. Not many people can say that. Remember, your mom and dad made a deal that he would take care of the finances and she would take care of home. After 27 years of marriage, it looks like each partner has kept their word in the relationship. That’s more than most of us can say.
MY BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE I WOULDN’T LOAN HIM MONEY
Dear Willie D:
I’m an independent woman who pays my own bills and way in life. For the past year I’ve been dating a guy who has no sense of budgeting, and is always struggling financially, even though he earns over $4,000 a month. We are going through a nasty breakup at the moment because I refused to loan him $1,500.
What kind of a man breaks up with a woman because she won’t loan him money?
An entitled one. Just be glad you don’t have any kids with him.
AM I RACIST FOR ONLY WANTING TO PROCREATE WITH MY OWN KIND?
Dear Willie D:
I’m a Mexican-American man living in Santa Ana, California, who thinks race-mixing causes all sorts of problems like drug and alcohol dependency. It also makes children of interracial parents more prone to violence and a life of crime. You don’t see pit bulls mixing with shih tzus. The only time dogs mix is when humans domesticate them and force them to breed.
I’m not saying one race is better than the other. I’m just saying Blacks should mix with Blacks, Whites with Whites, Mexicans with Mexicans, Chinese with Chinese, and so on. Mixing takes away the uniqueness of each race and is not normal. I’m sure I’m in the minority with your audience on this issue, but I still think I’m right. What do you think about race mixing?
You’re a funny dude. I don’t think you’re a racist, but who the hell told you that race mixing causes people to be more prone to violence, crime, and drug and alcohol dependency? I really hope you don’t have children and are teaching them that crap. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but scientific research has determined that our ancestors were likely living as one family in East Africa 75,000 years ago.
Over the past 50,000 years, as humans began to leave Africa, the Ice Age came and populations got stranded and isolated; this is what created what we call races. Changes in the weather forced populations to further migrate, causing the races to come into contact with each other and intermarry.
So unless science is wrong, beyond skin deep there really isn’t much difference in any of us. Race arguments were designed to keep us at odds. There is no pure race.