My Male Friend Wants a Relationship. Help!
Photo by Jeff Fitlow
HOW DO I TELL MY MALE FRIEND HE WILL NEVER STAND A CHANCE WITH ME?
Dear Willie D:
I’m a 32-year-old career woman living in Houston. I have a male friend I’ve known for some time now. We attended high school together, but because of our careers we now live in different cities. He is a good guy, and very funny, but not my type. We talk on the phone every few days.
It’s been over two years since he’s expressed romantic feelings for me, but I recently got divorced so once again I’m in the crosshairs. But I am only interested in him as a friend. How do I make it clear to him once and for all that he doesn’t stand a chance with me without hurting his feelings and destroying our friendship?
I think that straight men and women can be friends, but if there is a physical attraction by either when they first meet, or at any point during the relationship, that attraction is likely to linger and compromise the relationship.
Tell your friend he’s a good guy, but you don’t want to enter into a romantic relationship with him because doing so would mess up your perfect friendship. Talk about the benefits of your platonic relationship. Tell him you love him like a brother, and feel that you can be yourself and talk about anything with him, whereas a romantic relationship would compromise that trust.
When people are stuck in the friend zone, they often don’t think clearly. They hallucinate signs and signals, and envision a future where there is none. I can’t lie to you: The only way to escape your friend’s advances are to walk out of his life, or die. There is no middle ground.
I’M ASHAMED OF WHERE I LIVE
Dear Willie D:
“Sometimes you need to step back and be thankful for whatever you have” was my mother’s favorite saying. But I find it hard to be thankful for the place I live in. My job moved me to Miami from Columbus, Ohio, where I had a four-bedroom house in the suburbs.
Now I have a two-bedroom crappy apartment in the city that I have to share with a female stranger who took out a newspaper ad. I make good money, but I’m using public transportation to get back and forth to work for now. The bus drops me off in front of my apartment, but I always walk slowly past it until the bus is out of sight before going home.
I do this because a co-worker also rides the same bus with me, and I’m embarrassed to let her see where I live. My living conditions aren’t likely to change for at least another year. How do I get over my house shamming in the meantime?
When I was in the ninth grade we lived in the most raggedy house in the neighborhood. It was so shabby that it leaned to one side. I was happy that the school bus dropped me off on the cross street; otherwise I would have been walking past my house too.
You get over your house shamming by being grateful that you have a roof over your head and reminding yourself that your situation is temporary, not permanent. Right now you’re stacking paper to buy a car and improve your quality of life. As long as your house is clean and tidy, who cares? If your coworker does, tell her to find you something better and pay your rent, or otherwise kick rocks.
SHOULD I ACCEPT A NON-PAYING INTERN POSITION OR GET A PAYING JOB?
Dear Willie D:
I’m trying to get into the radio business. I have a degree in marketing, and was thinking maybe I could use it to get in the door and then switch to being a DJ, since that’s what I really want to do. The problem is only one of the radio stations where I want to work in hiring, and it’s an unpaid internship position in the promotions department.
I’m a 23-year-old man with a baby on the way. I need a steady income, but at the same time I want to give the internship a shot. Who knows? If I do a good job they may decide to put me on the payroll. But my girl is saying I need to get a job to help pay bills. What should I do?
Baby on the Way:
I say get a job — any kind of job to help out with the bills for the time being — and take the internship. Many people who are living out their dreams today started out as unpaid interns in their profession.
The communications industry is very competitive, so there’s no shortage of people trying to get in. That’s why radio stations can get away with having people work free internships. But the experience you get from working closely with a mentor and learning the ropes is invaluable, and could put you exactly where you want to be career-wise.
You can’t be shortsighted when you’re trying to see long-term money.
MY HUSBAND WON’T ALLOW OUR CHILD TO DONATE HER ORGANS
Dear Willie D:
My parents and siblings are organ donors. As such, I’m also one. This is something my husband and I discussed while dating. I wasn’t okay with him not wanting to donate, but I figured with time I could win him over.
We never discussed donating our child’s organs since we were very young when we met, and kids were the furthest thing from our minds. Well, now we have a five-year-old daughter and she wants to donate her organs, but my husband is adamantly against it.
We got into a big fight that ended with no resolution. He maintains his reason for not donating is the postmortem treatment of the body. I explained to him that it doesn’t matter because when you die, you have no use for body parts, so why not allow doctors to use them to improve the quality of life for others? What do you think?
I have friends who have chosen to let their children decide whether to become a donor when they’re old enough to understand. As such, I don’t think a five-year-old can truly understand the gravity of organ donation. The flip side of that coin is that if every child waited until they were old enough to make an educated decision, there wouldn’t be any donations, and thousands more people would die annually awaiting transplants.
It’s a horrible thought, but I find it commendable for people who choose to donate their children’s organs. Likewise, if someone refused to donate based on religious beliefs, or because they simply wanted to bury their child with all their parts, I would respect their wishes. After losing a child, the last thing a parent should be worried about is being judged.
Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back next Thursday for more of his best answers.
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