New iPhone? Rocks Off Has an App for That.
Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray
We know a ton of you got iPhones over the holiday break. Well, good news: Rocks Off has spent the last few months developing our own iPhone applications (or "apps," as the urban kids are saying) and we're thrilled to debut them here. All inquiries, criticisms, and requests for download instructions can be sent to email@example.com. Be sure to put "*****ROCKS OFF IPHONE APPS!!!*****" in the header, with five asterisks on both sides, three exclamation points, all caps. Thank you, and enjoy! You Are From England Removes Sting's stupid-ass Jamaican accent from early Police recordings. Also fixes whenever Mick Jagger or Paul McCartney try to sound like they're from New Orleans. De-Wall of Sound-ilizer Removes excessive overproduction from any rock song. Works best with Timbaland and Phil Spector. Auto De-tune You guessed it, filters out Auto-Tune from any song. Frankly, the only way to listen to T-Pain. Rap Sheet The artist's criminal history scrolls across the screen as their song plays. Now you can know exactly how many times Marilyn Manson has been arrested for indecent exposure!
Google Ads Offers for products based on whatever you're listening to scroll across the screen. Examples include offers for sensible loafers while listening to the Eagles, malt liquor during Ludacris, bail bonds services during Insane Clown Posse, tampons during John Mayer, and XXXL tampons during Taylor Hicks. Bassists Are People, Too Inserts bass guitar into songs by the White Stripes, the Black Keys, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Japandroids, the Doors, many others. No One Has a Problem With It, Just Come Out Already If you listen to more than an hour of techno at a time, texts everyone on your contacts list and lets them know you're gay. I Promise He's Not Singing About Spinning Rims and Booty Translates Dirty South rap lyrics into a foreign language so you can pretend they're not completely fucking stupid. Mystery Country & Western Theater 3000 Plays sound-alikes of Waylon Jennings, Hank Williams, and Johnny Cash making fun of any mainstream country song produced after 1995 while said song plays. Know Your Committee Lists how many extraneous studio musicians were involved in making any pop song.
HOLY SHIT, RUN! A warning goes off if Glenn Danzig has been sighted in your area. You decide if you're going to clear the area like any sane person... or if you think you've got the stones to finally face him. Unscrewed Boosts chopped & screwed songs back up to the proper speed, unchops them. Good for when you run out of weed. Let's Indie This Bitch Up Allows you to add up to six obscure instruments to any song. Instruments include the dulcimer, the cimbalom, the saz, the hurdy gurdy, the Fairground organ, and many more. Tend to Your Own Shitty Music, Please Removes any Ja Rule, Kid Rock, or Fred Durst guest appearance from any song. Pitchfork Refuses to play anything on your playlist because it's not cool enough, recommends bands you've never heard of and whom no one will remember in six months that you should listen to instead. Wal-Mart Truant Officer Calls your Mom and tells on you if you listen to any songs with bad language or sexual lyrics.
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