Noel Contendre: 11 Musical Christmas Crimes and Misdemeanors
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas - everywhere we go - and most people probably assume it's all glad tidings of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Not Rocks Off. We did a little digging, polled our writers and the Houston Press editorial staff, and came up with almost a dozen seasonal songs whose tidings read more like a rap sheet. We included the maximum allowable sentences under the 2007-08 Texas Penal Code for each degree of violation at the end should you decide to emulate such behavior... 'tis the season. Happy holidays!
Song: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer," Elmo & Patsy Lyric: "When we found her Christmas mornin,' at the scene of the attack/ She had hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin' Claus marks on her back" Crime: Vehicular Manslaughter Penalty: Second Degree Felony
Song: "Run, Rudolph, Run," Chuck Berry Lyric: "Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down/ Run, run Rudolph, reeling like a merry-go-round" Crime: Multiple moving violations: speeding, reckless driving, possible vehicular mayhem and DWI Penalty: Depends on number of offenses, probably Class A Misdemeanor at the least
Song: "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)," Ramones Lyric: "Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby/ I love you and you love me, and that's the way it's got to be" Crime: Assault (Family) Penalty: Third Degree Felony
Song: "Santa Claus," Sonny Boy Williamson Lyric: "When I pulled out the bottom dresser drawer, the landlady got mad and called the law/ I was just tryin' to find, what did she bought me for Santa Claus" Crime: Breaking and entering; attempted burglary Penalty: Second Degree Felony
Song: "Merry Christmas from the Family," Robert Earl Keen Lyric: "It's margaritas when the eggnog's gone/ Send somebody to the Quick-pak store/ We need some ice and an extension cord" Crime: Depending on mode of transportation, Public Intoxication or DWI; possible possession of open alcoholic beverage in motor vehicle Penalty: Public Intoxication - Class C Misdemeanor, unless offender is less than 21 years of age; Open Container - Class C Misdemeanor; DWI - Class B Misdemeanor, State Jail Felony if a passenger less than 15 years of age is present
Song: "Jingle Bell Rock" Lyric: "Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun" Crime: Possession of narcotics Penalty: Depends on amount
Song: "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)," John Denver Lyric: "You came home at a quarter past eleven/ Fell down underneath our Christmas tree" Crime: Depending on how Daddy got home, PI or DWI Penalty: See "Merry Christmas from the Family"
Song: "Frosty the Snowman" Lyric: "He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop/ And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler, 'Stop!' Crime: Failure to comply with a peace officer; possible resisting arrest Penalty: County or municipal offense, but at least a night in jail
Song: "Winter Wonderland" Lyric: "In the meadow we can build a snowman/ And pretend that he is Parson Brown/ He'll say, 'Are you married?' we'll say, 'No, man'/ But you can do the job when you're in town" Crime: Intent to commit marriage fraud (simulating legal process) Penalty: Class A Misdemeanor; State Jail Felony if repeat offense
Song: "I've Got a Boner for Christmas" Nerf Herder Lyric: "Hang up your Christmas stocking, and let me put my cock in" Crime: Indecent exposure, possibly sexual assault Penalty: Class B Misdemeanor (indecent exposure); Second Degree Felony (sexual assault) Song: "Mrs. Claus' Kimono," Drive-By Truckers Lyric: "Rudy's out for blood, 'cuz he hates the fat old man/ 'Cuz he caught him in the stables with his fat little hands/ On a female reindeer he likes named Wynona/ And the last thing he wants to see is Santa on her/ So we're loadin' up the toy sack with heroin and crack" Crime: Criminal conspiracy; possession of narcotics with intent to distribute; bestiality; cruelty to animals; engaging in organized criminal activity Penalty: Does it matter? Obviously this elf, and Santa, are probably both going away for a long, long time.
Maximum Sentences Class A Misdemeanor: Fine not to exceed $4,000, no more than one year in jail, or both Class B Misdemeanor: Fine not to exceed $2,000, no more than 180 days in jail, or both Class C Misdemeanor: Fine not to exceed $500 First Degree Felony: Confinement in prison for life or a term of no more than 99 years and no less than five years; possible fine not to exceed $10,000 Second Degree Felony: Confinement in prison for no more than 20 years and no less than two years; possible fine not to exceed $10,000 Third Degree Felony: Confinement in prison for no more than 10 years and no less than two years; possible fine not to exceed $10,000 State Jail Felony: Confinement in a state jail for no more than two years and no less than 180 days; possible fine not to exceed $10,000
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