Noel Contendre: 11 Musical Christmas Crimes and Misdemeanors

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas - everywhere we go - and most people probably assume it's all glad tidings of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Not Rocks Off. We did a little digging, polled our writers and the Houston Press editorial staff, and came up with almost a dozen seasonal songs whose tidings read more like a rap sheet. We included the maximum allowable sentences under the 2007-08 Texas Penal Code for each degree of violation at the end should you decide to emulate such behavior... 'tis the season. Happy holidays!

Song:

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer," Elmo & Patsy

Lyric:

"When we found her Christmas mornin,' at the scene of the attack/ She had hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin' Claus marks on her back"

Crime:

Vehicular Manslaughter

Penalty:

Second Degree Felony

Song:

"Run, Rudolph, Run," Chuck Berry

Lyric:

"Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down/ Run, run Rudolph, reeling like a merry-go-round"

Crime:

Multiple moving violations: speeding, reckless driving, possible vehicular mayhem and DWI

Penalty:

Depends on number of offenses, probably Class A Misdemeanor at the least

Song:

"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)," Ramones

Lyric:

"Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby/ I love you and you love me, and that's the way it's got to be"

Crime:

Assault (Family)

Penalty:

Third Degree Felony

Song:

"Santa Claus," Sonny Boy Williamson

Lyric:

"When I pulled out the bottom dresser drawer, the landlady got mad and called the law/ I was just tryin' to find, what did she bought me for Santa Claus"

Crime:

Breaking and entering; attempted burglary

Penalty:

Second Degree Felony

Song:

"Merry Christmas from the Family," Robert Earl Keen

Lyric:

"It's margaritas when the eggnog's gone/ Send somebody to the Quick-pak store/ We need some ice and an extension cord"

Crime:

Depending on mode of transportation, Public Intoxication or DWI; possible possession of open alcoholic beverage in motor vehicle

Penalty:

Public Intoxication - Class C Misdemeanor, unless offender is less than 21 years of age; Open Container - Class C Misdemeanor; DWI - Class B Misdemeanor, State Jail Felony if a passenger less than 15 years of age is present

Song:

"Jingle Bell Rock"

Lyric:

"Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun"

Crime:

Possession of narcotics

Penalty:

Depends on amount

Song:

"Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)," John Denver

Lyric:

"You came home at a quarter past eleven/ Fell down underneath our Christmas tree"

Crime:

Depending on how Daddy got home, PI or DWI

Penalty:

See "Merry Christmas from the Family"

Song:

"Frosty the Snowman"

Lyric:

"He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop/ And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler, 'Stop!'

Crime:

Failure to comply with a peace officer; possible resisting arrest

Penalty:

County or municipal offense, but at least a night in jail

Song:

"Winter Wonderland"

Lyric:

"In the meadow we can build a snowman/ And pretend that he is Parson Brown/ He'll say, 'Are you married?' we'll say, 'No, man'/ But you can do the job when you're in town"

Crime:

Intent to commit marriage fraud (simulating legal process)

Penalty:

Class A Misdemeanor; State Jail Felony if repeat offense

Song:

"I've Got a Boner for Christmas" Nerf Herder

Lyric:

"Hang up your Christmas stocking, and let me put my cock in"

Crime:

Indecent exposure, possibly sexual assault

Penalty:

Class B Misdemeanor (indecent exposure); Second Degree Felony (sexual assault)

Song: "Mrs. Claus' Kimono," Drive-By Truckers Lyric:

"Rudy's out for blood, 'cuz he hates the fat old man/ 'Cuz he caught him in the stables with his fat little hands/ On a female reindeer he likes named Wynona/ And the last thing he wants to see is Santa on her/ So we're loadin' up the toy sack with heroin and crack"

Crime:

Criminal conspiracy; possession of narcotics with intent to distribute; bestiality; cruelty to animals; engaging in organized criminal activity

Penalty:

Does it matter? Obviously this elf, and Santa, are probably both going away for a long, long time.

Maximum Sentences Class A Misdemeanor:

Fine not to exceed $4,000, no more than one year in jail, or both

Class B Misdemeanor:

Fine not to exceed $2,000, no more than 180 days in jail, or both

Class C Misdemeanor:

Fine not to exceed $500

First Degree Felony:

Confinement in prison for life or a term of no more than 99 years and no less than five years; possible fine not to exceed $10,000

Second Degree Felony:

Confinement in prison for no more than 20 years and no less than two years; possible fine not to exceed $10,000

Third Degree Felony:

Confinement in prison for no more than 10 years and no less than two years; possible fine not to exceed $10,000

State Jail Felony:

Confinement in a state jail for no more than two years and no less than 180 days; possible fine not to exceed $10,000

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