Noel Contendre: 11 Musical Christmas Crimes and Misdemeanors

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas - everywhere we go - and most people probably assume it's all glad tidings of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Not Rocks Off. We did a little digging, polled our writers and the Houston Press editorial staff, and came up with almost a dozen seasonal songs whose tidings read more like a rap sheet. We included the maximum allowable sentences under the 2007-08 Texas Penal Code for each degree of violation at the end should you decide to emulate such behavior... 'tis the season. Happy holidays!

Song:

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer," Elmo & Patsy

Lyric:

"When we found her Christmas mornin,' at the scene of the attack/ She had hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin' Claus marks on her back"

Crime:

Vehicular Manslaughter

Penalty:

Second Degree Felony

Song:

"Run, Rudolph, Run," Chuck Berry

Lyric:

"Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down/ Run, run Rudolph, reeling like a merry-go-round"

Crime:

Multiple moving violations: speeding, reckless driving, possible vehicular mayhem and DWI

Penalty:

Depends on number of offenses, probably Class A Misdemeanor at the least

Song:

"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)," Ramones

Lyric:

"Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby/ I love you and you love me, and that's the way it's got to be"

Crime:

Assault (Family)

Penalty:

Third Degree Felony


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