OMG: The Five Most Embarrassing Songs In Our Library
If, like Rocks Off, you're an archivist (read: pack rat), then you've collected quite a few songs on your listening medium of choice. Hopefully you've done so legally, but this is the internet, so who are we kidding, really. However it happened, you've almost certainly got a few tracks that go beyond a simple "guilty pleasure", songs you can't believe you like and would be mortified if anyone saw them associated with you in any way. Luckily, Rocks Off was born without the portion of the brain that allows one to feel shame (and also the part that regulates reluctance toward public nudity), so we're going to run through some of the most humiliating songs we've collected over the years. Soho, "Hippychick" Maybe we first liked this song because we heard it as a child before we were ever introduced to The Smiths' "How Soon Is Now?," which it samples, but that's no excuse, because to this day we'll jam this song and sing along to it. It's bad. It was hugely popular back in the day, but it's never, ever played on the radio now, and there's a reason. It sounds like something Neneh Cherry would have rejected from her first album, you know, before she embraced her bohemian roots and started writing songs that weren't dreadful. And yet, we like it. And we're not sorry. Crazy Town, "Butterfly" We used music-editing software to strip lead singer Shady's horrible vocals from this song and, sure enough, what's left is not bad. It's a good beat, a catchy bassline and even some fairly atmospheric guitar work. Everybody rags on this song (and on the band, come to think of it), but as long as you take out the Durst-inspired lily-white rapping, it's a decent listen. But try convincing your friends of this without at least one of them suggesting that you like to have sex with farm animals.
Bumblebeez 81, "Pony Ride" Every now and then we come across a song so bad it fascinates us, we listen to it over and over, and eventually come to genuinely like it. This is what happened with "Pony Ride." We're not sure how it happened, but this droning, monotonous, nearly fucking tone-deaf song got deep inside our head one day while hanging out at our University of Houston dorm, and we weren't able to move past it. Sometimes we listen to bands like The Frogs, Wesley Willis, and early Ween to exult in the awkward terribleness and cheer ourselves up with the brilliant weirdness of it all, and Bumblebeez 81 is a similar thing, except we don't think these guys were kidding like the Frogs or crazy like Wesley Willis. We think this was really the best they could do. Really, that makes us appreciate it all the more.
Days of the New, "Enemy" We feel the worst about this one. Rocks Off spends a lot of time denouncing douchey bro-rock of exactly Days of the New's ilk, but damned if we don't like this song. Maybe it was that they actually tried something a little different with the electronic beat and acoustic guitar, or maybe we've just got a little bit of the bro-douche in us after all, but whatever it is, we hate Days of the New's entire catalogue except for this one song. We understand if you dismiss every subsequent musical opinion Rocks Off has from this point on. We wouldn't blame you. Dino, "Romeo" When Rocks Off was young, we played soccer at the YMCA and although we had an impressive power kick, we were never able to score any goals. All that changed during our 5th grade season. We were 11 years old, and not one but two girls we had massive crushes on were on our team. We're not sure if it was the instinctive showing off of a young man around girls he's sweet on, or if the coach simply let us start playing forward more, but suddenly we were scoring on the opposing team left and right, and for the first game we scored points in, we had the song "Romeo" by Dino stuck in our heads THE ENTIRE TIME.
We went from a record of 3 scoreless years to 4 points scored in one game, with this terrible, terrible early-90's sub-New Kids synth-pop atrocity driving us onward. Why is it on Rocks Off's computer even now, you ask? Sometimes we like to let the song play and, even though it's one of the most godawful piece-of-shit songs ever made, sense memory transports us back to a time when we were young, athletic and carefree, triumphantly leading our team to victory, flirting with girls who, for the first time in our lives, were flirting back, and making it home just in time to catch Saved By the Bell. The preceding paragraphs may be the saddest thing Rocks Off has ever typed. Incidentally, we threw "Romeo" into rotation just now while in the middle of listening to the soundtrack for Tim & Eric's Awesome Show Great Job! and of course it fit in seamlessly. Okay, we've bared our secret shame for you, now it's your turn. What are the most embarrassing songs you have on your hard drive/personal listening device? It's okay, you can be honest; obviously, we are no position to judge you.
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