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One Live Humpback Whale: Local Fantasy Tour Riders

One Live Humpback Whale: Local Fantasy Tour Riders

Everyone probably knows that top-selling bands like Van Halen routinely demand everything short of the moon and stars for their tour contract and rider, but specifically No Brown M&Ms. Some bands have a schedule for required nourishment, or in Rush's case, for booze. The "Weekly Booze Schedule" inserted into the Canadian trio's tour contract "requests" cases of Michelob, Molson Golden, Corona, Miller Genuine Draft and an "exotic beer" - and although Heineken may be considered 'exotic' by some, it is unacceptable to Rush in any situation.

Promoters were instructed to provide a specific bottle of liquor based on the day of the week. For example, if it was Wednesday...well you better have the Martell Cordon Bleu cognac handy. Food was also specific for Geddy Lee and Co., who have a thing for fresh whipped cream on their fruit presentations - again, specifically asking for the "exotic" variety of fruit - along with French pastries.

As many local bands have found out, there are very few French pastries to be had when you're crammed into a van that may or may not break down at any given moment. In the case of the Wild Moccasins' tour this past Spring, a turkey might even fly through the window. After you drive for hours across the never-ending fields of Indiana or the southern Alabama terrain, you're lucky to show up at a dingy dive where there's a scrap of toilet paper left on the roll in the bathroom or a few drink tickets for beer that tastes like animal piss.

But hey, we can dream, right? Rocks Off asked a few local acts what their riders would look like if they could order up anything. Good luck getting that humpback whale onstage, future Buxton promoters.

HENRY DARRAGH

Jazz Pianist, Vocalist, Trombonist, Composer

Backstage:

  • Cases of iced cold of Topo Chico
  • Iced coffee from Dirk's
  • A string quartet to play for us in the Green Room; if they have transcribed Scriabin Sonatas and harmonized them for SQ that's a plus
  • A moon walk and/or skeeball alley. If I had to choose between the two, it'd be skeeball.
  • Justin Bieber (for my daughter... I mean since it's a wish list, I wish for her)

Onstage:

A Theramin

Hammond B3 (w/ Leslie)

TWO STAR SYMPHONY

Jerry Ochoa, violin

Backstage:

  • fully stocked bar, emphasis on whiskey and tequila
  • the skulls of our enemies, to drink from
  • masseuse
  • witch doctor
  • dozen sexy slave men and women to carry us back and forth from the stage; feed us grapes
  • couple of rubber fists
  • a baby white tiger
  • g13
  • a Wii
  • Paul the Psychic Octopus

Onstage:

For the stage show, we would like elephants, several gallons of blood, and lasers. Also, booty-dancers.

 

BUXTON

Chris Wise, Bass Guitar/Organ/Vocals

Backstage:

  • At least 3-5 experienced poker players for a 6-handed cash game
  • Audiophile record player (in room, not to keep) w/ all the required components
  • 4 couches (non-pleather, enough to fit 1 guy and 2 girls)
  • 1 LCD TV w/ 5 random Criterion DVD titles
  • 3 varieties of hummus (with regular pita bread AND baked pita bread)
  • 2 different local microbreweries (if available)
  • 2 cases of Yuengling (East Coast); 3 cases of Shiner Bock (everywhere else)
  • 1 handle of Jim Beam, 1 handle of Jack Daniel's
  • 2 cases of Coca-Cola; 1 (4) Pack of Stewart's Orange and Cream Soda

Food Schedule is as follows:

  • MONDAY - Thai or Chinese
  • TUESDAY - Burgers
  • WEDNESDAY - Mexican Food (Preferably a taco truck)
  • THURSDAY - Vegetarian Cuisine
  • FRIDAY - Pizza
  • SATURDAY - Sushi
  • SUNDAY - Sandwiches

*All of the above should be local and be approved before the show by the artist

Onstage:

  • Local horn section and string section (pre-approved video of rehearsal w/ the music provided is required)

Jason Willis, Lead Guitar/Vocals

Backstage:

  • 10 count of Chik-Fil-A chicken nuggets
  • 9 acupuncture experts who will argue about the best location to stick someone with pain
  • 8 vodka soaked watermelons
  • 7 copies of the movie Seven with a different one autographed by one of the victims of the seven deadly sins
  • 6 tickets to the nearest circus event that evening
  • 5 GOLDEN RIIIIIIINGS!
  • 4 Counting Crows albums
  • 3 french cooked hens
  • 2 turdy gloves
  • 1 of the Partridge Family's pear tree.

Onstage:

  • 12 amp road cases stacked up around my amp because they honestly look cooler than the amp itself but I still want to give off that rock star persona and have a bunch of amp related stuff stacked up.
  • Someone who looks a lot like me who can play our first couple of songs while I sit backstage and decide if I feel like playing the show or not.
  • A UPS or Fedex delivery man delivering me drinks on demand. When drinks are delivered, it is required that a signature be asked for to verify delivery status. Each signature that is attained by the delivery man can be sold at his/her discretion only under that terms listed below...
  • When a demand for a drink has been presented to said delivery person, the delivery will be timed. If delivery has not been completed within 1 minute, each minute passing will reduce the amount at which said delivery person can sale each attained signature. This can be calculated using the formula below: (A+B) x C/D = X
A = The amount of time for delivery to be completed in minutes to be rounded down to the nearest minute.

B = How many steps it took for delivery person to walk over to me and take down my requested order.

C = The time of day rounded to the nearest half hour. If a.m., divide by 2 to account for any possible hangovers for either party.

D = The name of the song we are on in our set when delivery was made. For example: If we are playing "Down In The Valley," the amount will be 15. We get this amount by adding up the number of letters in the title. So, for "Feathers", the amount will be 8.

X = The amount at which delivery person can sale signatures.

So, If at 10:32 p.m., during the song "Broke From Bread," I signal for the delivery person, who takes eight steps to reach me, to place an order for me which takes three minutes and 13 seconds to be delivered... (3min + 8steps ) x 10:30 or 10.5 / 14 = $8.25 per signature.

  • A walk-through metal detector on stage for every rabid fan who makes his/her way onto the stage. We can never be too safe.
  • A handmade 1/8 to scale model of the venue that we are playing in for that evening. This model will be demolished by bulldozers that are also 1/8 to scale.
  • A John McLean lookalike (preferably also 1/8 to scale) that I can play Die Hard with during songs that I am not playing in. 
  • A real live humpback whale.

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