If you're reading this around the time it's published, Rocks Off will once again be in the dentist's chair. This has been something of a recurring theme for us this summer, as we have been trying to reverse years of neglecting our poor gums by undergoing several surgical procedures that do not feel especially good. On our first visit, Rocks Off's periodontist likened them to a diesel engine that had been running without any oil for a long time, so... yeah.
Last week, he flayed the upper left quadrant of our mouth open ("peeling it like a banana," is how he put it) and went to work up there with some kind of drill. For an hour. It was a riot. Today, we are going to get the putty-like stuff he used to seal our gums back up off, which doesn't sound too bad. We're still hoping for more painkillers, though.
Thanks to the nitrous, Rocks Off has generally been pretty out of it when we've been at the dentist this summer. We think his office radio is tuned to Sunny 99.1, but we're not sure. But if we do have to go back under the gas, we will be trying to imagine the following songs between shrieks of pain.
Steve Martin, "Dentist!" from Little Shop of Horrors
Surprisingly enough, Rocks Off could not find very many songs celebrating the art of oral surgery or those who practice it. This hilariously choreographed number from Little Shop of Horrors, featuring Martin in fine sadistic-Elvis sneer and Bill Murray as his understandably concerned patient, will have to do. Martin, now and forever one of our favorite actors (and bluegrass musicians), toned it down considerably to play another dentist in 2001's Novocaine, which we remember mostly for the steamy scenes with Helena Bonham Carter.
The Rolling Stones, "Dear Doctor"
Until we were reminded about this song yesterday, the last time Rocks Off thought about it was when we texted the first line ("Oh help me, dear doctor, I'm damaged") to a friend while we were nearly choking to death on all the dust at the 2008 Austin City Limits music festival. When Mick Jagger sings "there's a pain where there once was a heart," you believe him. We really need to dig up Beggar's Banquet.
Aretha Franklin, "Dr. Feelgood"
Oh, Aretha. Even Vicodin never made us feel like this.
Motley Crue, "Dr. Feelgood"
Can't have one "Dr. Feelgood" without the other. It's hard for Rocks Off to say which one we like better... depends on our mood.
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SHOW ME HOW
Weird Al Yankovic, "Like a Surgeon"
"Cuttin' for the very first time..." Oh Lord, we hope not.