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Post KTRU/KUHF, Possible Houston Mergers & Acquisitions To Come

Gozer has designs on the Galleria.
Gozer has designs on the Galleria.
Photo illustrations by John Seaborn Gray

Rice University and the University of Houston have reached a deal to convert KTRU into a 24-hour white-noise station to help our city's insomniacs. Fitzgerald's was just bought out by the guys who made Mango's a viable venue for the first time since its days as The Oven.

It seems a lot of Houston properties are changing hands these days. What's next? Thanks to our vast underground network of spies, Rocks Off has received early warning of several upcoming ownership transfers around the Bayou City.

  • Dean's Credit Clothing has been purchased by the Value Village chain and will re-open as such some time next year. Bands will still be encouraged to play the venue, albeit from a small riser in the corner by the cracked dinnerware and old Atari games.
  • By October, Feast will be a Kenny Rogers Roasters franchise. No word yet on the luminosity of their neon sign.
  • KUHT has been bought by Ted Turner and will be showing movies made before the Great Depression. Fans of Carole Lombard and Frederic March, take heart! Also, take your heart medicine.
  • Numbers has been bought out by the Pappas chain and will be the testing ground for an experimental chicken-and-seafood-themed restaurant, Pappa Oom Mow Mow. Surf 'n' bird, get it?
  • Lakewood Church will be the new headquarters of the Houston branch of the Church of Scientology just in time for Christmas. This is good news for everyone who wants to be "clear." We want to be "clear," don't you? It sounds great.
  • The Edwards Marquee IMAX has been sold to Texas Instruments, which will convert the big screen to a crude, outdated, two-color layout, yet will charge over $100 apiece for tickets.
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    Post KTRU/KUHF, Possible Houston Mergers & Acquisitions To Come

  • Los Skarnales has signed on to British indie label XL Recordings, and will be converted into a poppier, frat-boy-friendly outfit called Werewolf Holiday. Look for Pitchfork to herald their debut album as the savior of rock and roll, and then shit all over their identical second album.
  • The Verizon Wireless Theater has been sold to AT&T. Verizon, Cricket and T-Mobile customers will no longer be allowed inside the building, the filthy degenerate scum. Tickets will be $500 apiece, but each will come with a "free" iPhone.
  • Poison Girl has been bought out by Wings 'N' More, although inside rumors say that they're now looking to re-sell the property, as they discovered too late that there is no room for a kitchen.
  • The Williams Tower has been purchased by Ivo Shandor, and will be turned into a portal for Gozer the Gozerian.
  • Popular Heights hangout Big Star Bar is going to be converted into a Molly's Pub, because Lord knows, you can never have too many goddamn Molly's.
  • For the past year, the Houston City Council has been run by the second-grade students of McNamara Elementary. So far nobody's really noticed, except for one intern who noted that the bathrooms now seem to be cleaner.

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