Tame and well-adjusted... by Internet standards.
Tame and well-adjusted... by Internet standards.

Public Access: Five of YouTube's Craziest Musicians

Remember the days before the Internet? We only vaguely do, yet we have to wonder how certain fringes of our society found happiness. If your thing was to dress up as an anime character and have sex-ish relations with other anime characters, where did you go? Did you place want ads? Did you leave graffiti in the restrooms of all the nearest rest stops and hope that, just once, someone would answer who didn't intend to beat the shit out of you and take all your money? Yes, the Internet has made it so much easier for deviants of all shades to find one another and hook up that we can scarcely remember a time before the bitter Furry vs. Plushie rivalry claimed so many squeezable lives. But believe it or not, so far we've only covered the subset of highly functional outsiders. These folks function just fine within society, probably have more friends than you or Rocks Off do, and lead otherwise normal lives (the Furries especially tend to be sweet, adorable people). Rocks Off is more interested in the self-expression of the true-blue slobbering lunatics whose rocks YouTube has been kicking over for nearly five years now. If someone ever managed to get a rabidly crazy son of a bitch on tape, it is now on YouTube. We've only skimmed the surface, but oh, are you in for a treat.

Robin Tyner, "Grande Days"

And the answer to the question "Where did all the freaks congregate before the Internet?" Late-night public-access television, my friends. Robin Tyner (who is probably a man) showed up at the studio with his puffy 1987 hair and autoharp and fearlessly belted out a tune about what it's like to be tripping off your tits while time-traveling. And you know something? HE'S NOT THAT BAD. If Robin really could travel back in time, we wonder what he'd change about this performance. We hope nothing.

Hungarian Metal Band, "No, Your Computer Isn't Lagging"

Keytars? Fire Extinguishers? Cute jailbait belly dancers? We know what you're thinking: this next band must be METAL AS FUCK. And you are correct. Shot on the same set on which most citrus-flavored soda commercials are filmed and featuring everyone the band has known since high school, this video made us fall in love with their can-do, "we don't need ideas, let's just shoot the goddamn video" attitude. We only have to ask: Why not shoot at a speed of more than six frames per minute?

Reverend X, "The Spirit of Truth"

What is it that makes someone shave every inch of their head save only their long-ass ponytail, then get in front of TV cameras and proselytize an angry, profane gospel while unidentifiable 80's funk blares in the background? Is he filled with the Holy Spirit, or crack? We're thinking maybe both. Whatever it is, it's musical performance art of the highest caliber and one of our favorite batshit YouTube videos of all time. "A-ha-ha! You got-damn devil worshipper, you ain't got no excuse!" Infinitely quotable, and - bonus! -  there are several more Spirit of Truth videos.

Final Placement, "Shine"

Aw, you poor kids. Thanks to the Internet, all of your growing pains-style screw ups are visible to the entire world, whether it means flashing your hoo-ha at a bachelor party, blogging angrily about your girlfriend and forgetting to check the "Private" box, or posting (what we assume is) the debut video of your horrible, horrible high school band. Chin up, kids. You sound way better than either of Rocks Off's high school bands. Of course, we did have a leg up on you in that we were punk rock and therefore embraced our shittiness, but that attitude will come in time. After being humiliated all over the Internet, we predict a lot less "you're gonna shine, everything will be all right" lyrics from these kids, and a lot more "fuck you and fuck everybody who looks like you." It's gonna be great.

Mark Gormley, "Without You"

If you drew a crude portrait of Mark Gormley's face on a Post-It note and taped two popsicle sticks to it, it would win the Iron Man triathlon by a margin of three hours. Mark Gormley can crumple a T-800 up like a beer can. Instead of saying "Hello," the proper way to greet Mark Gormley is by saying "Thank you." When you favorite your first Mark Gormley video on YouTube, all the spyware and viruses on your computer will dutifully march into the recycle bin, apologizing on their way out. Mark Gormley uses toothpicks custom-carved from the bones of Chuck Norris. WARNING: This is a very intense song.

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