Our fair city is getting an early holiday present, in the form of a thing called Riff Raff.
Riff Raff, a.k.a. Jody Highroller, will be gift-wrapping and delivering his syrupy, nonsensical rhymes at Warehouse Live this Sunday. We're excited, because Riff Raff's brand of nonsense is entertaining as hell; so are those cornrow-pigtails he's sporting as of late. He's kind of hilarious.
Even so, we have a bit of a quandary with Riff Raff's whole persona. We want to like the moniker, but we feel like we're cheating. You see, a long time ago, in a faraway place, there lived another Riff Raff, and he was freaking badass. For clarity's sake, we'll call this one Real Riff Raff. And we'll refer to rapper Riff Raff as Jody Highroller, because, well, we want to.
Real Riff Raff owned the hell out of this thing called Rocky Horror Picture Show. He was an alien from the planet Transsexual who danced, sang and unabashedly made googly-eyes at his sister. He also punked the shit out of a mad scientist, Dr Frank-N-Furter, and saved Brad and Janet from sheer destruction. He also knew Dallas-born singer Meat Loaf: rad.
Our problem is that people now refer to the rapper Riff Raff, a.k.a. Jody Highroller, as postmodern and enigmatic, while flat-out forgetting how much of a hardcore, down-ass dude the Real Riff Raff was. We haven't forgotten, though, and we think they should be thrown into a rap beef to resolve our little quandary.
We'll decide the winner, because of course we're not impartial at all. Let's do this. Real Riff Raff vs Jody Highroller, for the title of down-motherfucker Riff Raff.
ROUND 1 Reppin' Their Hoods
Real Riff Raff: The "real" Riff Raff has no qualms with reppin' his hood. He makes it known, with the help of a deadly laser and some jazz hands, that he's from the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy Transylvania. His alien status is legit.
Jody Highroller: Oh, Jody Highroller. We'Re NoT SuRE iF YoU'Re FrOM THiS PLaNeT oR NoT, BuT FoRGiVE uS FoR QuESTiONiNG YoUR GoLDEN ALiEN CLaiMS. wE JuST HaVE A HaRD TiME BeLIEViNG THaT OnE. Especially since you won't come clean about growing up in Cy-Fair.
Round 1 Results: This round obviously goes to Real Riff Raff. He's an alien with a thing for his sister, and is unabashedly creepy about it. There's no way Jody Highroller could win.
ROUND 2 Street Cred
Real Riff Raff: This dude plans and executes a coup, while saving our protagonist humans, despite their status as basically insects. He'll kick your ass, laser or otherwise.
Jody Highroller: Umm... hE TYPeS LiKE A TWeEN. We're getting angsty just emulating him.
Round 2 Results: Lasers. Transvestites. Saved human insects. Real Riff Raff takes this one.
ROUND 3 Alter Egos
Real Riff Raff: This alien is masquerading as a maniacal handyman for Dr Frank-N-Furter, but he's obviously on some sort of random sneaky mission. We just haven't figured out what the heck it is. We just know he always seems up to...something...
Jody Highroller: wE AReN'T eVeN SuRE WHo JoDY HiGHRoLLER iS. hE aPPeaRS tO BE GooD aT THiS ALTeR EGo SHiT, THoUGH. For reals, though. Jody Highroller has managed to completely reinvent himself, even if his version of an alter ego is confusing and contradictory. We'RE STiLL STuMPeD BY iT.
Round 3 Results: Well, Jody Highroller, you win this one. (Shakes fist in faux defeat.)
ROUND 4 Lyrical Skillz
Real Riff Raff: The actor playing this sweet, sweet alien, Richard O'Brien, is the one who actually wrote the play the Rocky Horror movie is based on. He wrote the music, the play, the book and the lyrics.
Jody Highroller: aND THiS ONe WRoTE "Versace." He also raps like he's overdosed on sizzurp and whippits.
Round 4 Results: Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me. We wanna be dirty. But only with you, Real Riff Raff.
ROUND 5 Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace... (Fashion Sense)
Real Riff Raff: We dig the bald mullet and those swanky cheekbones he's rockin'. Sunken eyes are all the rage.
Jody Highroller: We suppose it takes some patience to shave that CHiN FuZZ into angled trails of...whatever it is, so we can give credit where credit is due. We do wish he'd stop with the extensions, though. THeY'RE NoT CuTE.
Round 5 Results: It's a tie. We have to applaud JoDY HiGHROLLER for his avant-garde style, and Real Riff Raff is just so chic, so we can't choose a clear winner. Push.
Story continues on the next page.
ROUND 6 Party Rockin'
Real Riff Raff: Have you seen the freaking parties this dude can throw? They're super-badass, and perhaps a little frightening. But what good party isn't?
Jody Highroller: We're convinced this dude is pretty decent at raging the hell out; we've seen Spring Breakers. We know what's up. We've never been invited, though, so we're a little bit skeptical as to whether he can actually outdo a party where Meat Loaf shows up.
Round 6 Results: Real Riff Raff wins. Until there's a party that has Meat Loaf, virgins, a transsexual alien mad scientist and a hot maid, we're not budging.
ROUND 7 Illuminati Shit
Real Riff Raff: Real Riff Raff has an air of mystery. We know he's up to something, but we can't put our finger on what it is. That's illuminati shit right there.
Jody Highroller: Jody Highroller tells the entire world what he's up to, aND hE DoES sO bY TYPiNG LiKE A CHiCK iN MiDDLE SCHooL.
Round 7 Results: The only one who even sort-of gives us the illuminati vibe is Real Riff Raff, so he wins by a Beyoncé mile.
ROUND 8 Hey, Ladiesssss!
Real Riff Raff: This dude has fangirls from here to Transsexual Transylvania. He's the freakin' man at Frank-N-Furter's parties, too. Plus, his sister really seems to be into him. Gross as hell, but still proof he's irresistible.
Jody Highroller: Well, Jody Highroller really does seem to have a LOT of chicks TwEETiNG HiM, which is weird. BuT wE BeT hE'S NeVeR BeeN tO TRaNSYLVaNiA.
Round 8 Results: Look, Jody. We're sorry. We're sure you get lots of ass. But you can't overcome geographical limitations.
ROUND 9 Rap Beef
Real Riff Raff: It's Riff Raff against the mad scientist Dr. Frank-N-Furter, and Riff Raff kicks ass and takes names.
Jody Highroller: DoES A JaMES FRaNCO BeEF CoUNT?
Round 9 Results: James Franco beefs are not real beefs. Not real beefs at all.
ROUND 10 Spittin' Rhymes
Real Riff Raff: The Real Riff Raff has inspired folks to dress in drag, singing his songs in theaters across the globe, since 1975. We're not even sure Horst Simco was born before 1975.
Jody Highroller: uM, JoDY HiGHRoLLER RaPS THe FoLLoWING: "Swung through Olive Garden getting Egyptian massages." We don't know what that means, so that's cool and all, but there's no way people will be dressed up in cornrows en masse in 30 years, emulating Horst's shtick. No way.
Round 10 Results: You cannot win a rap battle with the Real Riff Raff, slow-as-molasses JoDY HiGHROLLER.
WINNER Real Riff Raff. He'll kick that impostor's ass any time, even in lace panties. It's postmodern as fuck.
Riff Raff -- sorry, JoDY HiGHROLLER -- performs Sunday Night at Warehouse Live, 813 St. Emanuel. Doors open at 8 p.m.
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