It might be hard to believe, but the same musicians responsible for singing lyrics about big green tractors and diggin' up bones are also responsible for a lot of my Internet entertainment.
You see, when famous people do douchey things, it makes me giggle. When those acts are committed by people that have also said something similar to the words, "Dropkick me Jesus through the goalposts of life," it makes me laugh so hard that I might pee my pants.
The folks below do both. Not only do they croon about goin' fishin' and lament about the day their huntin' dog ran away, but they do some of the dumbest shit known to man in the process. Hard to believe, I know.
Here's our list of country music's douchiest moments. You might want to take a potty break first.
10. Faith Hill's CMA Freakout During the 2006 Country Music Awards, Faith Hill's reaction to Carrie Underwood's winning (and Hill's losing) Best Female Vocalist was about the douchiest reaction one could hope for.
You can literally see her mouth the word "what?!" from her seat in outrage, and the reaction was epic, with YouTube clocking about 7 million views of the video footage. She claims to be joking, but I call shenanigans on that excuse.
And that, my friends, is what I like to call awesome.
9. Carrie Underwood's Self-Righteous Diatribe I suppose maybe a little bit of self-important bullshit should be expected from someone who sings about using a baseball bat to bust out her dude's taillights on one song, but then turns around and preaches about Jesus taking the wheel on another. However, it borders on douche territory when Underwood starts whining about turning down the gift of a private jet and how she couldn't imagine having to choose between her career and eating a hamburger.
In an interview with the UK's Guardian, Underwood was questioned about the choice between eating a burger and never singing again. Here's her little gem of a response:
[Looks horrified] Oh no. One beefburger? I don't know. I can't imagine myself ever being put in that situation. Can it just be a bite? Maybe I could do that. Maybe. But I'd feel really bad about it.
Oh, and get this: Underwood also boasts about being a member of a sorority for the philanthropy work, y'all. That's what I'm calling my binge drinking from now on -- don't worry about me, I'm just being a philanthropist.
8. The Anti-Dixie Chicks Backlash When anti-Bush sentiments spilled forth from lead singer Natalie Maines at a Chicks concert in London in 2003, her critique of the war in Iraq cost the Dixie Chicks more than just some hassle from her die-hard Republican fans; country stations across the United States pulled the Chicks from airplay in protest.
Radio stations also called for the mass disposal of Chicks paraphernalia, with former fans dumping everything from tapes (yes, they existed then) to CDs and concert tickets into the dumpster.
My douche-points don't go to the Dixie Chicks on this one -- they go to the dictatorial radio stations that pulled the group's music for supposedly being "unpatriotic." I mean, seriously? Censorship was so 1996. Let the Chicks squawk about whatever the hell they want. This is 'merica, y'all.
7. Jason Aldean's Stupid Version of Cheating The Internets had wholesome country music fans in a tizzy after a picture of Aldean kissing American Idol contestant Brittany Kerr surfaced in October 2012. Aldean, who has been married for 11 years, is either a complete douche or completely stupid; the bar he was creepin' at is an uber-crowded tourist hot spot full of celebs, and they were on the darned patio.
Aldean and Kerr were photographed at The Den in Hollywood, hugging, flirting, and kissing right in plain view. What did they expect?
These simpletons, I swear. At least take it to a dark booth like the experts do on Cheaters. That always works out well.
6. When Leann Rimes Proved She Can't Keep It In Her Pants I'm hesitant to even write about this horse and pony show, but let's be fair here -- Rimes' affair with Eddie Cibrian and the never-ending story in the press is perhaps one of the douchebaggiest situations in recent country-music history.
Here's the Readers Digest version of this hot mess if you aren't familiar, kiddos. Rimes and Cibrian were both married to other people when they began their affair while filming the little gem known as Northern Lights. They both ended up leaving their spouses to take their hookup long-term, and it stirred up a shitload of drama that I have no interest in regurgitating. The Google is your friend if you'd like to learn more.
Despite it being years since these indiscretions, neither Rimes nor Cibrian's ex-wife Brandi Glanville is capable of shutting his or her trap to the press, which has led to a complete saturation of nonsense in the media. No one needs to hear about Rimes' boob job or her jaunt in "exhaustion rehab," but thank you for the offer.
5. Glen Campbell's Drunk Driving Hit and Run After a 2003 incident in Phoenix, Arizona, Campbell was accused of a hit and run on another vehicle while completely hammered. When the police caught up with him, he allegedly kneed an officer in the thigh during his arrest, and then proceeded to sing "Rhinestone Cowboy" in his holding cell.
This could be considered badass, but it leans toward douchey with the whole hit-and-run thing. The "Rhinestone Cowboy" component is amazing, though. He was bling, bling, blingin' in that jail cell.
4. Taylor Swift's Inability to Take a Joke When you make a gazillion dollars by writing about all of your love-interest shenanigans, Rule No. 1 clearly states that you are not allowed to take yourself too seriously, ever. Taylor Swift did not get that memo, unfortunately, and she caused a pretty douchey uproar because of it
Once upon a time, at a little awards show known as the 2013 Golden Globes, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler teased poor ol' Taylor Swift about needing to stay away from Michael J. Fox's son.
Instead of taking the joke in stride, Swift pulled her typical middle-school overreaction out of her ass and stated to the media that, "There is a special place in hell for women that do not help other women."
Oh, Miss Swift... the douchiness percentage in that retort is even higher than normal.
3. Keith Urban's Manscaping and Bender-Cheating There's not much to say past Keith Urban's frosted hair and spray tan, but I suppose pointing out the fact that he was allegedly having some bender-fueled affair with a lingerie model might help hammer home the validity of my decision to include Mr. Urban as having committed one of country music's most douchey moments. You don't pose for photos, jackass. Even Jason Aldean knew that.
And being an Aussie country musician doesn't earn you a pass, Keith. It just mucks up the water a bit and confuses my brain.
2. That Time Kenny Rogers Was Sued for Phone Sex After three women filed a lawsuit against the "Gambler" star claiming he had "coaxed" them into having phone sex in 1990, Rogers settled the lawsuit before it ever saw the light of day in court. The singer now admits that he set up the 1-800 number for women to call to engage in phone sex, but that the women were well aware of what the number was for, and instead chose to call and record it in an effort to make him pay.
It's not really that douchey that he set up a phone sex number for women to call; I mean, hell, who cares what gets the ol' rocks off? What's super-douchebag, though, is the women who sued him for this shit.
And don't pull the whole "my hang-up button was stuck" line, either. We all know you liked it.
1. Blake Shelton's Jackassery It's never the smartest thing to Tweet and drive, but Mr. Shelton took that to a whole new level when he Tweeted about how he intentionally swerved to the side of the road to run over a protected box turtle. It couldn't get more douchey than that. Take a look:
Does anyone know if the Eastern Box turtle is protected in Oklahoma? If so I didn't just swerve to the shoulder of the road to smash one...
When met with an onslaught of angry tweets, Shelton told his haters to "shut up."
Perhaps Shelton was a slight tad bigger than his turtle-smashing britches when he recently took his douchery to the next level and labeled classic country as "full of old farts" and "jackasses." Nothing says country douche like forsaking your musical forefathers. Might not have been the smartest move, considering he royally pissed off country-music legend Ray Price in the process.
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(Side note: do the chairs on The Voice remind anyone else of the the one used by Doctor Claw on Inspector Gadget?)