Rick Ross Is Completely Innocent and the Greatest Rapper Alive
Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and, sometimes awkwardly, tie it to a bit of Houston rap. It's five videos and occasional cussing. Send tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Last year, president of Don Diva magazine Sam Ferguson played a major role in breaking the news that Miami-based rapper/self-described drug kingpin Rick Ross was once a correctional officer. It started up a nice little writer vs. rapper feud between the two and was hot, hot news for a good bit before it eventually went away. Seven days ago Ferguson was found shot to death. In Miami. Officially, there are currently no suspects in the case (police are looking for a "black car," because that's not vague) and that whole innocent until proven guilty thing and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Ricky Ross is a cold-blooded killer. And on the off chance that he's read something that we've written about him and interpreted it to be insulting in any way, we'd like to take this opportunity to revisit the five best songs from Deeper Than Rap, which we consider to be the best piece of music in the modern century.
"Magnificent" feat John Legend: Probably the most beautiful song of all time. If you could somehow gather up all the warring populations of people in the Middle East and play this song for them it'd no doubt bridge the gaps between everyone and inspire them to replace all currency of money with hugs and Eskimo kisses. If you play this song loud enough on your radio, a rainbow will sprout up out of the speakers and lead you to a land of 1,000 gorgeous virgins.
"Rich Off Cocaine" feat Avery Storm: Absolutely brilliant. This song is the like Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, only more important. The other day we were driving through our neighborhood and saw a bird fly into a washateria window and die. We immediately clicked our legally purchased copy of this album over to this song and played it and the bird came back to life and then swooped across the parking lot and swiped an eleven-year-old girl out of the hands of a kidnapper and delivered her back to her mother.
"Valley of Death": After listening to this song, it's obvious that Rick Ross is capable of time travel.
"All I Want" feat. Dream: This song rushed for 337 yards in a playoff game against the Steelers. This song can be used to dress flesh wounds. This song once gave an entire room of cheerleaders simultaneous orgasms. The song never misspells the word "rhythm." This song is never disappointed in Tracy McGrady's effort. This song is disgusted at the steroids scandal. Not only can this song can be used as a floatation device if your plane crashes, but it can also be used a plane if your plane crashes. This song always has your size of pants in stock. This song knew how Sixth Sense would end as soon as Bruce Willis was shot in the opening scene.
"In Cold Blood": They played this song in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit over at The Children's Hospital and all of the premature babies' lungs immediately became fully formed. The babies then began singing an acapella version of "Hustlin'," which in turn made their lungs even stronger. If they decide to add a series of breath holding events in the upcoming Olympics and only babies are allowed to participate, the USA is going to destroy everyone. Rick Ross is the most patriotic son of a bitch you know.
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