Rocks Off Exclusive: Things Beyonce Will Be Doing on Her Break from Music
On top of everything else this week, sadly the news has come out that our beloved Beyonce is taking a break from music. Just when we need her the most, right? We miss B and Ms. Fierce already, and we're already speculating what she might get up to while taking her sabbatical away from the public eye. Don't think less of us: We need this.
- Consulting with Tori Amos on which alternate persona to use on her next album. So far the list is narrowed down to Debbie Diva, Alicia Antagonistic, Beverley Belleoftheball and an unnamed protagonist who is, get this, sassy and independent.
- Kicking anyone who calls Jay-Z "the old man of hip-hop" square in the taint, as well she should.
- Sitting around playing her Nintendo DS and looking absolutely adorable while doing so.
- Extensive hot-tub makeout session with Paulina Rubio and Shakira. As long as we're imagining, right?
- Prank-calling R&B/pop singers who use Auto-tune.
- Politely ducking the other members of Destiny's Child. This activity is, of course, not limited to Beyonce's vacation.
- Rehearsing lines and stunt training for her role of Ophelia in the upcoming blockbuster film Michael Bay's Hamlet.
- Trying to get Lloyd's of London to insure dat ass, only to be told "We're sorry, Ms. Knowles; we're simply not ready for that jelly."
- Winning a shitload of wet T-shirt contests just to prove she can.
- Talking to Mike Myers and Taylor Swift on the phone about what it's like to be publicly embarrassed on live television by Kanye West.
- Swearing loudly at the television whenever Janet Jackson or Etta James appears.
- Tracking Solange via her sister's Twitter account, laughing hysterically.
- Disseminating Aretha Franklin and Rihanna fat jokes into the music community.
- Pampering herself a little, for once in her life.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene with music features, additional online music listings and show picks. We'll also send special ticket offers and music promotions available only to our Music Newsletter subscribers.