Awwwww, I know it is a shame you aren't here with us at SXSW in Austin. I can only imagine the aching and longing in your heart for walking aimlessly and standing in long lines for no reason, and sweating through your cardigan to see a band you heard on one of the Twilight soundtracks.

You don't want to be here. Turn around, go back home. Go see a movie. Go see that new Oz movie; it looks kinda cool. Take advantage of all the empty bars. Save your money and sleep in your own bed.

Here's what you could expect here in Austin. Take this all as a warning, folks. It's like the last days before the fall of Saigon here, except for all the free Doritos and vodka.

A huge classic-rock act or iconic proto-punk band playing a show you cannot get into without a badge Ha-ha! But I can! Sorry. This makes up for every time you told all of us to "be jealous" of your lobster dinner when you posted a pic of it on Twitter.

A really bad Mumford & Sons/gutter-punk act playing on a street corner for change Put some Mumfords on full blast, burn a pot of coffee, set a pack of American Spirits on fire at your desk and have your co-workers sweat on you while talking super-loud. You are now at SXSW! Wanna get a taco?

A really bad rap group/collective putting on an impromptu concert next to a smoke shop Smile and nod, smile and nod. Don't laugh when someone screws up a freestyle within the first four bars and rhymes "chicken strips" with "dick-sucking lips."