Let’s start off this "Why This Song Sucks" with an anecdote.

Around 19 years old, I dated a girl. She was pretty and nice, and thought I wasn’t a complete loser and wanted her only because she had decent-size boobs. It lasted like most typical relationships do — she put up with my idiocy until I did something completely stupid, and she dumped me. This happened about six months into the relationship. A couple of years later, we ran into one another at a local bar here and I go off thinking she’s changed from when we dated and she’s cooler and a lot more liberal with things instead of being completely alienating and stuck up.

Nope, she was worse and blocked me on Twitter because she fell in some kind of lust with a Dutch guy during the 2010 World Cup, and I told her he was suspect as fuck.

So when Selena Gomez, post-breakup with Justin Bieber (for good), released “Good For You,” my brain immediately went back to that ex-girlfriend. The one you try to do all the special shit for in order to cloak all the terribleness that you at times can represent. “Good For You” also wants you to think of Selena Gomez as a sex symbol and somebody who turns men and young boys on.

We were rooting for you, Selena. We were all rooting for you.

I know, it’s pop-star quota to describe your insecurities to the world. I know this is a direct counteraction to Justin Bieber going full-fledged R&B and sadly going nowhere with it. “Good For You” takes everything that should work for a dumb song about lust and instead makes it cringeworthy. Here’s a representation of all the things “Good For You” implies that are actually not good for you. Here are the lyrics for you to follow along with at home.

Question: What the hell is syncopation of skin and any combination of heartbeats/breathing? Why is it in a pop song? Do you know how terrifying that is? Do you even know what syncopation means? Here’s a small hint: Its synonyms are: contraction, constriction, shriveling. It definitely doesn’t mean “Hey, let’s match my skin feeling tingly with the same way your heart does. That’ll be some sexy shit, right?” It definitely does not mean that. It’s a high-density word thrown into a remedial pop song in order to make it cool. It’s a 16-year-old sneaking into a college frat party trying to fit in.

We’re going to fast-forward right past A$AP Rocky comparing his dick to John Hancock’s signature as a means to rhyme the word “miniature,” and focus on the task at hand. Selena Gomez, like my heart so long ago, wants to spice it up with her mate in order to show how easily she can change for him. Sadly, what she does is create a generic “look, I can be sexy too!” pop song. Know the last woman of merit to try that? Keri Hilson when she was fellating bank vaults on “The Way You Love Me." 

When’s the last time you heard Keri Hilson do anything that wasn’t followed by Beyoncé’s fans chasing her out of the Target she just clocked out of? Exactly.

I want more from my pop singers, especially the young ones. Selena Gomez crafted a popular (now sitting at No. 5 on the Billboard Hot 100) “sexy” song. She also crafted a terrible one. I could draw a whole heap of conclusions in thinking this is as awkward as it's going to get, but then I’d be lying. We’re going to get “dirty” X-Tina style with Miss Gomez, aren’t we? Shit.

A$AP Rocky and Tyler, the Creator perform this Friday, October 2, at NRG Arena (1 NRG Park) with special guests Danny Brown and Vince Staples. Doors open at 6:30 p.m.