Guess what you're missing if you haven't picked up the latest copy of Rolling Stone? Go on, guess. All right, we'll tell you: according to their website, you're missing the lowdown on John Mayer's "journey from bedroom guitar player to the most angst-ridden playboy in rock." They've quarantined the Rocks Off wing of Houston Press HQ because all morning we've been making sport of reading that sentence out loud and throwing up on each other. Admit it, you can feel the bile tickling the back of your own tonsils right now. What makes John Mayer such a sad sack, you ask? Is it drug addiction? Family problems? The death of a loved one? Oh no. It seems our plucky, hapless pop star underdog is addicted to jerking off. This comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever heard one of his aimless, noodling guitar solos, but evidently Mayer is "the new generation of masturbator." He goes on to say, "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating." Between this and being unable to get over breaking up with Jennifer Aniston, we've got to ask: when is someone finally going to cut this dude a break?
Here we were, feeling sorry for ourselves for being in massive financial debt and driving around in a car with brakes looser than a 90-year-old with Irritable Bowel Syndrome's stool after a night spent drinking Bloody Marys and alfredo sauce, when along comes Mayer and his chronicles of the hardships of the 32-year-old shirtless rock-star millionaire marathon wanker who has spent the past ten years fabulously rich and adored by countless WASP babes who've decided Dave Matthews is "too ethnic." The worst thing, when going through an existential crisis of this magnitude, is to feel alone. As a gesture of comfort and goodwill to our friend Mr. Mayer, we've compiled a list of other musicians who, like him, are no strangers to a rousing jerk-off session. Dave Navarro Just by looking at him, you should be able to tell that this is a man who has posted pictures of himself slapping his cock around on the internet. For whatever reason, a few years back Navarro decided that what his image really needed was for him to post a bunch of pictures featuring the erstwhile Jane's Addiction guitarist fondling himself. And just think, before the advent of the Internet, he had no one to share this with. Rocks Off imagines a lonely, windowless van, prowling the dusty southern California landscape in the 1980's. Whenever a group of schoolgirls is spotted, the van comes to a halt and out jumps a man with a piteously swollen jaw crowned by a goatee that smells like warm leather and bleach, waving his filthy fuckstick around and grinning like a jack-in-the-box designed by an ether-binging Truman Capote. We suspect this is the reason that, even today, Girl Scout cookies are unavailable in SoCal.
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Elvis Crespo Many of you may have forgotten his name, but in 1998 Crespo's single "Suavamente" was a massive hit in the Merengue scene, and his song "Pintame" won a Grammy. This would make Crespo the only Grammy winner to have ever been busted for flogging his dolphin on an airplane. Yes, just last year (2009, in case you're still hung over) Elvis was arrested after an incident on an airplane wherein the 55-year-old woman sitting next to him claims he covered himself with a blanket, appeared to be masturbating underneath it, and finally exposed himself to her. Evidently, she wasn't into it. Awkward! Let this be a lesson to you, kids: never, ever accept a dare texted to you by R. Kelly, no matter how many times he says it's paid off for him. Anthony Kiedis/Ol' Dirty Bastard No, they weren't busted at the same time; you would have heard about that when every newspaper in the country ran headlines like "VICE COPS BREAK UP WORLD'S MOST INCONGRUOUS SPANK SESSION." No, Rocks Off has grouped them together due to a frustrating lack of detail. We can only find evidence that Kiedis was busted on indecent exposure and sexual battery in 1990 following a "backstage incident," and ODB got in trouble for indecent exposure in Germany. Holy hell, we didn't even know you could get arrested for indecent exposure in Germany. From what we've seen on these here Internets, shitting in one anothers' mouths is how they say "hello" in Deutschland. As for Kiedis' "backstage incident," we like to imagine a couple of fresh-faced young groupies stumbling across the Red Hot Chili Peppers front man shooting heroin into his balls while listening to every Parliament album back-to-back and deciding which elements he's going to rip off (of course, he went with "all of them"). Then again, he may have simply been pulling his pud while staring lustfully at a relief map of Los Angeles. He's fond of the City of Angels, in case you couldn't tell from every RHCP song ever.
Michael Hutchence We don't really want to crack wise about Hutchence too much, because we love INXS, and the poor guy died. [Ed. Note: Today would have been his 50th birthday, too.] But the fact is, his girlfriend Paula Yates claimed on 60 Minutes that his death was the result of a botched autoerotic asphyxiation session. Just in case you're one of the few people who hasn't given it a shot, autoerotic asphyxiation involves self-strangling during masturbation, in order to achieve some kind of ultra-orgasm due to the brain's oxygen deprivation. Ideally, someone else is present while you're doing this, to prevent you from blacking out and never waking up, leading to a situation wherein the cleaning lady at the Ritz-Carlton finds the corpse of the guy who wrote "Never Tear Us Apart" trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, hanging from a coat hook in the walk-in closet. Seriously, Hutchence deserved a death with much more dignity, many many years from now. That the poor guy will likely be remembered for this as much as his music is nothing short of heartbreaking. We supposed we're not helping... okay, everybody forget you read this section. Ty Herndon What would you do if, in 1995, you had found yourself with a No. 1 hit on Billboard's Hot Country chart? Odds are you wouldn't do what Ty Herndon did, which was head to Fort Worth's Gateway Park and expose yourself to a male undercover police officer. Holy shit, Ty! You had the No. 1 song in the country, hombre. Was there no other option? We're not saying that hookers have never blabbed on their famous clients before (especially male hookers, who are notoriously catty), but surely the ratio of discovery has to be better than hitting up random dudes in a stadium men's room. How does that proposal even go? "Hey man, ever hear the song "What Matters Most"? Didja like it? Well, check this out!" *zzzzzzip* While not technically masturbation, Herndon gets points for whipping it out with what had to be almost no provocation. Luckily, the country crooner had methamphetamines on him when he got busted, so he was able to plea-bargain his way into rehab and get the court to drop the charge of indecent exposure. What we take from this is that if you're ever going to go tooling for blow jobs in a busy restroom, it pays to have a little bit of drugs squirreled away on your person when you do.