Sexual Napalm: Ill-Advised Rock-Star Hookups, Starring Our Boy John Mayer
Like this, John?
Photo illustration by John Seaborn Gray
John Mayer: He is just fantastic. In a disastrous Playboy interview, Mayer opened up about many things. For example, we discovered that, although some white comedians have successfully worked the "N" word into their jokes, Mayer is not one of them. Thanks to a monster bomb featuring the notorious slur, Mayer was villainized all over the Internet to the point where he felt the need to issue apologies on both Twitter and the stage, choking back tears during the latter. But don't hate on John Mayer for attempting a joke and failing. What, you've never had a joke go wrong in front of your girlfriend/parents/boss/parole officer? You were just lucky enough not to have an interviewer with America's leading literary-culture-n-tits magazine sitting across from you when it happened. No, if you're going to hate on John Mayer, hate on him for what he said later on while discussing his brief relationship with Jessica Simpson.
"Sexually, it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you."
First of all, John, when you say "That's all I'll say," that's traditionally where you stop talking. Secondly: Jessica Simpson? Really?
The vanilla, countrified white chick who bumbled around her giant house mispronouncing things on Newlyweds? Okay, if you say so. We wouldn't know, after all. But it was bad enough when we first heard you were going out with her. We had barely recovered from the first spine-buckling wince when we had to find out the two of you were having crazy monkey sex despite having so little in common.
Hopefully any resultant child would have gotten John's brains and Jessica's sense of sweetness, because if it had gotten Jessica's brains and John's sense of sweetness, we'd be dealing with the Adolf Hitler of idiot douchebags in a couple of years.
Here are a few other rock star hook-ups that left us wanting to carpet-bomb the vicinity to prevent it from happening again and to teach everyone a lesson.
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Michael Stipe and Courtney Love
We don't know if they ever came out and said that they dated, but we're pretty sure they did. Unlike John and Jess, they have so much in common: both alternative rock stars, both frail and emotional, both with a deep and abiding love for heroin. The skinny, bone-clattering sex must have sounded like a trash can full of Lincoln logs rolling down the stairs. This is another couple we're glad never reproduced; the kid would have known how to tie off and shoot up before it could walk.
John Lennon and Yoko Ono
Now look, we know these two had an extremely healthy relationship and found solace in one another in ways they may never have found in anyone else. But did it have to bleed over into the music? Did John really have to drag her into every single project of his?
Look, we could talk about it 'til we're blue in the face, but it's easier to show you. Skip to the 7-minute mark to hear Yoko's contribution to this historic jam session between Lennon, Eric Clapton, Keith Richards and the Jimi Hendrix Experience's Mitch Mitchell.
Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil
Train wrecks and douchebags go together like strawberries and cream, so what this coupling lacked in Unique it made up for in Disgusting. He was constantly getting arrested, she was constantly flaking out on gigs and disappearing for weeks at a time, and together they slithered through the London streets, drinking paint thinner and flinging scabs at paparazzi.
No one likes an enabler: Thanks in part to Blake, Amy deteriorated quickly from a decent-looking English girl to some kind of bat-goblin that steals children and strips copper wire with its teeth. She divorced him last year. It will no doubt be better for her than rehab. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley
Speaking of bat-goblins, anyone remember Michael Jackson's first marriage in 1994? He married the daughter of the one and only King, Lisa Marie Presley, supposedly after she provided him with emotional support during Jackson's struggles with child molestation charges. Seeing them together was eerie enough, but the video for Jackson's schmaltzy "You Are Not Alone" managed to up the ick factor a thousand-fold.
Yup, they're naked! Pasty, girlish Michael... Lisa Marie, who's a hot chick until she turns around and we see Elvis' face... excuse us while we step outside and vomit everything we've ever eaten.
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