I'm just going to go with the obvious here and say that when you're at a concert, there's a golden rule that one should follow, both with your fellow concertgoers and with the performers. It's a rule that has been reiterated since the dawn of man: keep your hands to yourselves. Sticky paws are not welcome in public, but that is especially true when you're crammed ass to elbows by a stage with strangers.
I would have thought that most people were aware that just because you're crammed in like sardines at a concert, it does not give you the go-ahead to grab somebody's shit, but but judging by the video of a dude flat-out smacking Beyonce on the ass the other night in Copenhagen, perhaps it's a subject that needs to be touched upon again.
So yeah -- it's not a good idea to smack the rear of a person who hasn't asked for it, ever -- but that's especially true when it's Beyonce and she's trying to sing, of all songs, "Irreplaceable." Surely there was a better opportunity during a high-energy number like "Single Ladies" or something. It might have made a bit more sense. But really? "Irreplaceable" hardly asks for a smack on the bum.
It's not the first time that there's been sticky hands onstage, though, so don't feel too bad, random dude from Copenhagen. There have been plenty of grabby blunders during concerts, and I'm sure there will be plenty more.
Here are a few of the best ass-grabby moments onstage. Hopefully it'll help ease the dude's sting over being dragged out of a venue from the very front of the stage. I don't envy that hideous walk of shame in the slightest.
Nicki Minaj When a fan "joined" Minaj on stage at a 2012 concert in Miami and grabbed her around the waist, Minaj's security team proved that they don't play that game. They grabbed the guy and took him down to the side of the stage to knock the crap out of him.
There were a couple of terrible, terrible ideas involved with that one. First one was attending a Nicki Minaj concert in the first place, and the second one was being dumb enough to jump up there while fully aware of the big ol' dudes looming in a threatening manner along the sides of the stage. Think, people. Think.
The Rolling Stones Leave it to The Rolling Stones to be badass enough to handle a wayward fan by their damn selves. When an excitable audience member flew onto the stage at a 1981 Stones concert, Keith Richards used his cat-like reflexes to knock the fucker down with his guitar, hardly missing a beat as they played "Satisfaction." Oh, to have been a fly on the wall...
Tim McGraw This is still one of my favorite ass-grabby moments of all time because it involves not only Tim McGraw's balls, but also his wife Faith Hill yelling about her husband's balls.
When a rabid fan grabbed McGraw's package while he was performing in 2007, Faith Hill not only freaks the hell out, she uses the word balls liberally. Just watch the video. It's awesome.
Amy Winehouse There are contradictory stories on this one. At the Glastonbury Festival in 2008, a fan either grabbed the beehive or threw a hat at the late, great Ms. Winehouse as she performed "Rehab," and she got pissed. She climbed down into the audience to confront the fan and wound up elbowing an innocent dude in the face.
I mean, seriously. Who grabs at a chick's hair, even if it is a totally awesome beehive?
Britney Spears When an audience member made it onto the stage at a 2009 Spears concert in Connecticut, not only did Britney look terrified and completely shaky, she also had no way of calling for help since her microphone was shut off. I actually feel a little bit bad for her in the video.
Justin Bieber The Biebs has been the target of an overzealous fan or six, but an excited teen boy nearly made it to his idol when he rushed the stage in Dubai earlier this year. As Bieber played the piano, the fan ran at him, prompting security guards to freak out. When he called into Virgin Radio Dubai, the Belieber clarified his intentions, saying that he only wanted to hug him and maybe get a picture.
Akon Although it wasn't actually Akon that was grabbed while onstage, the musician was totally caught red-handed after grinding the hell up on an audience member -- who was an underage pastor's daughter -- while performing live in Trinidad in 2007.
There was a considerable amount of outrage over the dry-humping, which lasted an entire awkward minute, might I add. Verizon pulled out of its sponsorship on that tour, and Akon made it a point to say that he'd only air-hump those of legal age when available. (Side note -- how awkward is the security guard who's following behind that hot mess?)
Danny Brown Dude, the Danny Brown onstage assault takes the cake every. Single. Time. When Danny invited his female fans to join him on the stage at a concert in Minneapolis earlier this year, one of those chickies took it as a g'head to try and, um, orally pleasure the rapper mid-song.
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That's not only pretty ballsy and a bit gag-inducing, I'm pretty sure it legitimately is bordering on an arrestable offense. Please don't try that in public, ever.