Somewhere in a dim and lurid recording studio in Los Angeles, your favorite artists are laying down a few Christmas tracks. No, not because they have the holiday spirit, but because they want to pay for their new private jets and calf implants. Right now, at this very moment, the whiskey is flowing and the groupies are wretched as the band is doing a bona fide rocking version of "Jingle Bells" while a bevy of porn starlets make out on a stained leather couch in the back of the control booth. Maybe it's Modest Mouse belting "Auld Lang Syne" or Mastodon is digging into "We Three Kings."
Some of these songs are balls-out awesome, like a new bicycle from Santa. Some are punishments, like a lump of Fergie in your stocking. Horrible, terrible Fergie lumps. Here's what's on our Christmas mixtape.
Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis"-- For many of us, this song is Christmas. In fact this should be THE anthem of the season. I grew up in vanilla-stained Pearland, but I yearned to enjoy the holiday in the projects, eating collard greens and watching "ill reindeers." Damn this white skin!
Newsong's "Christmas Shoes" -- Nothing warms a cold heart more than a sincere Christian pop ditty about a little boy buying a new pair of pumps for his mother to wear in her casket, so she'll look super fine for Jesus. I'm sure there's significance here, but my sarcasm-muscle won't let me find it.
Gary Glitter's "Another Rock and Roll Christmas" -- Just in time for the celebration of the birth of the Christ child, a revved-up tune from demented ol' Uncle Gary himself. That ain't a candy cane, little boy.
Nerf Herder's "Boner for Christmas" -- Double entendres be damned, Nerf Herder just comes at us with the Yule "logs," stocking "stuffers," "lumps" not made of coal, etc. We get it; you have an erection and would be willing to have sexual intercourse with a woman. Any woman. Get in line, brother.
The Ramones' "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)" -- The kings of punk want you to have the best of holidays with your cherished relations. If you can steer clear of the inevitable domestic assault charges and pawning the presents for bail. I mean, we've all been there, right, fellas? The old broad just won't shut her freaking (fruit) cake hole for one second.
My Chemical Romance's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" -- A must-have for every sullen teenage kid's newfangled black Nano.
Barking Dogs' "Jingle Bells" -- Yep, dogs barking in tune. Like Clay Aiken's Merry Christmas with Love but "grittier."
Elmo and Patsy's "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" -- An elderly woman is brutally struck by a vehicle on Christmas Eve, leaving her corpse mangled and frozen in the darkness. She's covered in hoof contusions, the telltale forensic evidence of a hit-and-run sledding. The only suspect is a sadistic, obese, bearded pedophile with a penchant for velvet. Coming this fall: CSI: North Pole.
Merry Christmas and Happy Aught Seven, H-town!!
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