Oh, what a funny business the NBA is. And nothing is funnier than the league's free-agency season, when Monopoly money is tossed at players who either a) deserve it; b) probably have photos of your GM doing unimaginable things; or c) happen to have the names Jeremy and Lin.
You see, free agency is where the real NBA season lies. It's how Houston came to determine that Slim Thug is our greatest weapon in luring NBA free agents. You thought Dwight Howard came thanks to Chandler Parsons? Nonsense. Slim gets LOYALTY tattooed on his chest as preparation for these things.
This year's prized recruit is Carmelo Anthony, unless you're of the thought that LeBron James may really leave Miami. Why would the Rockets want him? Because he scores 28 a game, shoots nearly 40 percent from three-point land and is a scoring nightmare. It's like James Harden but, you know, taller and fonder of headbands.
Yeah, the Rockets probably did Jeremy Lin no favors by photoshopping Melo into a Rockets jersey with Lin's number on it but he knows the game. Daryl Morey is about assets and Lin, as helter-skelter as he is to my heart and the Rockets back court - has to go.
Operation Rockets Free Agent Recruiter Slim Thug Is In Effect.
Pitch No.1: "Women Be Shopping" The Galleria has forever been a selling point for women. Lala Anthony is concerned about having a career in Hollywood. Maybe she can learn from the Greatest TV Mom EVER in Phylicia Rashad (a native Houstonian, bam) while also enjoying every major store in the universe. There's no real issue here, right? Plus, isn't Houston about to become the new Hollywood anyway? Radio star Devi Dev has done the Houston to Hollywood and New York thing already, why not LaLa?
Pitch No. 2: "Have You Read The News About Chicago? Chicago is a war zone, both statistically and academically. It's a bit dirty for Slim to bring this up regarding Melo's family, but Melo seems to be the only free agent outside LeBron whose family is directly tied into what happens with him. He and LaLa have a son, one that's been raised up on the arts and fairs of New York. Know who can give him an equally impressive market in that regard? We can.
Story continues on the next page.
Pitch No. 3: Bun B Well, if Slim didn't need any other help in terms of recruiting, why not have Bun B enter the fray? Which immediately and directly leads to pitch No. 4.
Pitch No. 4: "Paparazzi? What Paparazzi?" Houston is the big little city for a reason. In no way, shape or form will any of our stars be harassed by people or constantly begged for photos. It's quite peaceful, and outside Warren Moon making an ass of himself a decade ago and some nefarious social-media incidents, all of our fouls don't come with the paps. Or wait...
Pitch No. 4.5: The Arian Foster/Matt Schaub Rule Remember when Isiah Carey walked on Arian's doorstep inquiring about his baby mother? Or a rude Texans fan coming up to Matt Schaub's humble abode following another loss this past season? Guess what? That doesn't happen to basketball players here. Charles Barkley proved that correct when he threw a guy through a window back in 1997.
Throw in the no state income tax, rather affordable housing and Melo could easily flip the $30 million people believe he's going to lose if he bolts NYC and the Knicks. Better yet, ask Slim how he flipped his money into multiple properties across the city. Slim Thug, man of the people and the Houston Rockets' No. 1 asset in recruiting pitches to star free agents.
ROCKS OFF'S GREATEST HITS
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW