Sting's 4 Douchiest Moments, And How He Made Up For Them
Photo illustration by John Seaborn Gray
This article was originally simply supposed to be "Sting's 4 Douchiest Moments," but while researching it, a funny thing happened. Rocks Off started to notice that, for every time Sting did something that made us cringe, he'd also done something that made us like him again.
We were torn; we can't just rag on him like he's Chad Kroeger, Scott Stapp, Fergie, or someone else with absolutely no artistic merits. It seems unfair to pretend like the guy who wrote the terrible adult-contemporary techno classic "Desert Rose" didn't also write post-punk rippers like "So Lonely."
So yes, we're going to look at some of the times Sting was a bit of a prick. But hold off on those angry comments until the end, Sting fans, because we're also going to look at Sting being a badass.
Douche Chill: Sting Creates "Bard" Character; Fails Charisma Roll
Please excuse the Dungeons & Dragons humor in the header, we'll clarify that in English for those of you who don't speak Dork. A few years ago, Sting decided he wanted to release an album full of songs based on the writings of John Downland, who died 400 years ago.
A lute player delicately plinks at his instrument while Sting croons in a ridiculously affected Ye Olde Englishmanne voice that makes his old fake Jamaican accent sound like something Meryl Streep spent six years working on. If that kind of music is your thing, fine (not really, but whatever), but we always had to wonder: When Sting toured behind that album, were ticket prices lowered? Were fans warned ahead of time that they would only be getting one Police song ("Message In a Bottle") and one solo Sting song ("Fields of Gold") among the medieval dreck, both of which were barely recognizable?
Oh yes, it's true, he re-worked both of those classics to gel with the rest of the set. A fine idea, if the rest of the set wasn't goofy, boring horseshit.
How He Made Up For It: Police Reunion
Of course, very few people remember this freak of an album because less than six months later, Sting reconciled with Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland and took the Police on an extensive international tour. We're pretty positive that, all over the world, when the opening riff of "Message In a Bottle" - played properly this time - blared out into the audience, all lingering ill feelings regarding Sting's Middle Earth experimentation were utterly forgotten.Next Page
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