Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the sight of God and his company, to mourn the loss our valiant football heroes, the United-States-Houston-Texas Texans.
They were taken from us too soon, to be sure. But know that theirs was a lush, well-lived life full of successes earned and achievements gained. And while they were led astray at the end by Satan's hands (Matt Schaub and Gary Kubiak are so very clearly working with Lucifer), let us not forget the joys they offered.
Let us not forget Duane Brown's blocks and Brian Cushing's ferocity. Let us not forget Connor Barwin's hair and let us not forget that Jonathon Joseph is not Kareem Jackson. And of course, OF COURSE, let us not forget the godking who will eventually become the greatest defensive lineman in NFL history, the unstoppably amazingly football erection-inducingly brilliant J.J. Watt.
That said, the ten most appropriate gameday tweets from rappers:
10. Paul Wall
Let's bookend this thing with nice things, opening up with Paul Wall. (BTW, if you've not been paying attention lately, Paul Wall has been a GODDAMN menace lately. To wit: THIS.)
9. Dat Boi T
Twitter has never really been a particularly pleasant for Matt Schaub, but it was especially not so on Sunday.
7. DJ Prime Time
6. Jack Freeman
How many people said this exact thing Sunday? Five million?
5. Trae Tha Truth
Yes. It was a bitch. It truly was a bitch.
4. Jett I. Masstyr
3. Slim Thug
This was just a small sampling. (It should be noted though that Mr. Thug was as boisterous in defending the rest of the Texans -- and all of Houston, for that matter -- as he was in dismantling Schaub.)
2. Duane Brown
Not a rapper, but you get it.
1. Bun B
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Bye. See you next season.