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The 10 Best Reasons Rick Ross Won't Play Houston

Rick Ross at his last known Houston appearance in October 2010
Rick Ross at his last known Houston appearance in October 2010
Photo by Marco Torres

Good ol' Rick Ross didn't bother to show up for a Houston concert -- yet again. This time it was at Houston Beer Fest. Last time? Bayou Music Center. The time before? Hell, does it even matter?

The bottom line is Ross must have some sort of reason he keeps canceling tour dates here, right? After all, who wouldn't love our city? Well, other than him.

In order to explain the unfortunate circumstances in which Ross keeps canceling his Houston tour dates, we've wracked our brains to come up with a few explanations as to why the notorious rapper would skip out on us over and over and over again. Here are the Top 10.

The 10 Best Reasons Rick Ross Won't Play Houston

10. He Can't Stand the Heat In the middle of June, Houston is as hot as balls. Perhaps Ross was a bit concerned about being able to wear his trademark furs out in the Houston humidity or something. Rozay shirtless is not a sight we would like to behold, even with a mink jacket and a backup dancer draped over him, and perhaps he did us a solid by skipping out on this one.

Or perhaps he's just scurred of the heat -- unlike Action Bronson, who is a big ol' dude, but killed it Saturday afternoon out in the hot-ass sun, and even made his way through the crowd, no less.

9. He Hates to Party-Rock Rick Ross wants you hustlin', not shufflin' -- after all, he is the dude who sued LMFAO for ripping him off on "Party Rock" for using the words "Every day I'm shuffling" -- so perhaps he'd heard of our immense propensity for party-rockin'. Who knows; it's Rick Ross. He brought us "U.E.N.O.," has canceled concerts in Houston three times now, and yet we still book him for shows. Just about anything is possible.

8. The Guy Who Stole the Name "Freeway Rick Ross" Hates Actual Freeways Did you know Rick Ross is actually a name "borrowed" from notorious California drug dealer Freeway Rick Ross? Rapper Rick Ross just incorporated it, along with Freeway Rick Ross's life story as a drug dealer, into his music. Instead, Ross the rapper's past is as a corrections officer, and his appropriating Freeway's story got his ass sued by the actual Freeway Rick Ross. Ultimately, impostor Ross won the right to use the moniker "Rick Ross," citing his First Amendment rights to use the name, minus the "Freeway" part. (Got all that?)

Maybe rapper Rick Ross dropped the "Freeway" part not because he wanted to sound hard by biting someone else's street cred, but because he actually hates freeways. Houston does have a lot of shitty, shitty freeways, and plenty of shitty, shitty traffic to go along with them.

7. We Don't Have a Houston's Steakhouse, Which Is His Fave :( Womp, womp.

6. The Guy Who Sports Red Bottoms Is Scared of the Galleria Rick Ross is notoriously generous on his shopping sprees, buying a ridiculous stash of goodies not just for himself, but also bestowing plenty of tokens of affection on his entourage. Perhaps our fancy-ass Galleria was too much for ol' Red Bottoms to handle, no? It has, after all, been an expensive run for Rich Rozay.

5. Houston Gives Him Seizures That is, after all, what caused him to cancel his 2012 show at the Bayou Music Center after it was well under way. According to some reports, anyway. He didn't reschedule.

List continues on the next page.

 

The 10 Best Reasons Rick Ross Won't Play Houston

4. He Heard the City of Houston Is Full of Freemasons These fools really need to stop with the Illuminati business before someone loses an eye.

3. He Heard We Like 50 Cent Better Ah, rapper beefs. We know Ross aspires to have a beef that's up there with the best of them, so who else would be better to hate on than 50 Cent, who will always have our city's hip-hop-loving hearts? Ross must have heard we prefer G-G-G-G-Unit to him and gotten his panties all in a wad. Perhaps that's why he was a no-show again.

Go shawty, it's your birthday.

The 10 Best Reasons Rick Ross Won't Play Houston

2. He's Still Waiting for Geico to Clear Up that Car Claim Yikes. Even Geico can take awhile to process strange claims on Rolls Royces, we hear. After all, last time our Rolls-Royce was in an accident that may or may not have been caused by ghost shooters, it took forever for them to get that claims check in the mail.

1. Maybe He Still Owes TV Johnny's Jewelry Store $90K for His Rolex Eh, we like Paul Wall -- and his jeweler -- better anyway. Perhaps the king of the parking lot can fill in those Rozay gaps on the concert calendar. Please? We'll promise to wear our grill and e'rything.

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